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Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Beach
September 22, 2000
The Savethehumans Version:
by Jason Roth
- Emaciated ants.
- Too many surf nazis.
- Lifeguard training includes body cavity search techniques.
- Even the ugly chicks refuse to take off their habits.
- Lifeguard blood on your sandcastle from one of the sail-by shootings.
- The shoreline is littered with the bodies of comedians who made one too many jokes about hypodermic needles and New Jersey beaches.
- The only reason it's a topless beach is that no one has anything to hold up their tops with.
- In the middle of applying your sunblock, you get your leg blown off by the Germans.
- Too much oil tanker spillage, dead sea gulls, and other wasted energy resources.
- While digging to China, your four-year-old nephew unearths the decomposing corpse of Satan.
(Note: In case you're curious, this list was created based on the topic alone, before seeing the actual Letterman version of the list. It's easier - not harder - to do it that way.)
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