STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Instead of...
Explaining the Freedom of Speech to the Middle East, I'd Rather...

by Aaron Kendall

1. ...wait at the finish line of the Saudi Arabian Relay 500 for women and lick/eat whatever I find under the sweaty burka.

2. ...be a teenage camel jockey who bumps into Michael Jackson in the winner's circle and is forced into chugging "Muhammad" juice.

3. ...insult a hardware store owner in Iraq by saying his saws aren't even sharp enough to cut off my head.

4. ...run through a Tehran mosque covered in barbecued pork chops and scream out that "I am the Devil, and I am delicious!"... and then sing the "I Am Evil Homer" song.

5. ...share a Baghdad taxi with a guy who's next destination is Allah.

6. ...replace the Jamarat pillars with a hungry, gigantic panda bear who gets really pissed when people throw rocks at him.

7. ...put all of my money into a soap stand in Damascus.

8. ...declare the one-sided divorce of talaq on peanut butter. Peanut butter...how you make me sport wood like no other.

9. ...fish off a pier in Yemen and hear the guy next to me say "Hey...did anyone hear that?"

10. ...be the pioneer of the religious festival of Ashoura by flailing myself in the taint. Flailing your back is for pussies.

11. ...ride on the back of Flipper as he assaults an Iranian military port with his head-mounted machine gun and his doughty, spine-chilling laugh.

12. ...be the Russian mule who smuggles uranium past the U.N. and into Iran by shoving what I can in my ass and wearing the rest as a hat.

13. ...be at an Iraqi barbecue where nobody brought a match...and then everyone looks at the weapons cache a few yards away.

14. ...parachute over a rural Muslim wedding, with country-bumpkin guests carrying AK-47s who celebrate with a little gunfire.

15. ...be a surprise guest on the Iraqi version of "Jackass", in which Wee-Man, Steve-O, and I would ride in a large shopping cart over mine-laden ground.

16. ...watch some hardcore Middle Eastern pornography where a man sucks off a camel and then burns his balls in a hukka.

17. ...get into the dirtiest cab with the most olfactory-abusive driver and listen to the David Lee Roth show on the radio.

18. ...be a trainer of the Iraqi army, having to repeat my explanation of which end a gun's bullets come out and of how guns are not good surgical tools.

19. ...be a member of a family in Peshawar when the patriarch declares a gang-rape on the family's pet jackal, having dishonored the family by being a slut...only to have it turn out that the jackal is my little brother wearing a bear rug. Bad, bad jackal.

20. ...attend a flag-burning protest on an oil pipeline.

21. ...grease my cock with hummus and masturbate to the pictures of Saddam Hussein in his underwear.

22. ...attach a string to my lawn mower and hurl it at participants in a Pakistani kite duel. I repeat, don't fuck with Robo-Kite.

23. ...enjoy a fine pint of Riyadh Lager, made with fermented sand and carrying a pleasant aroma of camel piss.

24. ...supply Iran with nuclear power by dropping a few "Fat Man" bombs.

25. ...run a political campaign for Crazy Harry the Muppet to win a seat in the Iraqi parliament, promising more bombs for everybody, and hire Lew Zealand to assassinate the Iranian mullahs with his arsenal of fish.