STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Instead of...
Participating in the 2000 American Presidential Election,
I'd rather...

by Aaron Kendall and Jason Roth

1. ... deep throat Al Gore on stage in front of millions of people.

2. ... attend a motivational seminar by Ralph Nader.

3. ...auction off my vote on Ebay.

4. ...overdose on each candidate's past recreational drug of choice.

5. ...live in Al Gore's ideal world where all people are dead in order to ensure the preservation of a couple of cute baby seals.

6. ...run a Model U.N. for retarded children.

7. ...paint my face black and join the Rainbow Coalition.

8. ...leave a crack baby on Bush's doorstep.

9. ...ask Al Gore to protect my back in a gunfight then suddenly discover that I'm all alone. And that he's taken my gun.

10. ...play mah jongg with Jiang Zemin.

11. ...force Gore-supporter Steven Spielberg to direct a soft-core porn flick roughly based on the life of Joseph Lieberman.

12. ...chant the words "eenie, meenie, miney, moe" in the voting booth.

13. ...steal back my share of the funds for the candidates' senior citizen drug programs and spend it on a huge box of Jolly Ranchers.

14. ...try to decipher the results of an Al Gore polygraph test.

15. ... attempt to analyze the platforms of either Al or George W. without winding up in some type of guarded institution.

16. ...drunk-drive an electric car into a family of endangered sea otters.

17. ...force Tipper to wear a parental warning label, prominently stuck to the center of a paper bag over her head.