STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Instead of...
Hearing another vague anti-consumerism remark,
I'd rather...

by Aaron Kendall

1. ...declare those who said such remarks as United States property by impaling them with the American flag and then stand on them gloriously with Nike boots that have spiked bottoms. Just do it.

2. ...put the bands Creed and Rage Against The Machine in a pit, make them fight until the death, and then have the winner chopped into food for endangered animals. Everybody's happy...we rid ourselves of some assholes, the animals get a good meal, and the bands finally get to live their dream of becoming martyrs for morons. Beautiful, isn't it?

3. ...experience the hell that would be a world without bookstores where I can buy a book and a Caramel Frappacino at the same time. (And I mean it. I really love those Caramel Frappacinos.)

4. ...pretend that an anti-consumerism remark means something other than "I hate buying things that please me" or "Being alive sucks".

5. ...make those anti-commercialism bastards watch a standard syndicated show for about half an hour, let them moan and bitch about it, and then make them watch PBS for only five minutes. After they're done crying for about a couple of hours, I would make them watch PBS another five minutes, just to make sure that my message sunk in.

6. ...tearfully be the witness present for the divorce of Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Chicken. Bean burrito/Chicken tender combo meals...a sacred marriage made in heaven.

7. ...release upon them the hordes of angry, bloodthirsty children who will unfortunately never get to play with realistic-looking toy guns anymore.

8. ...strangle those idiotic hippies with their own Gap/Unlimited jeans and bash them over the heads with the alternator of their gas-guzzling Lincolns.

9. ...conduct a "two for the price of one" sale on chainsaws and give a rebate of $500 to whoever brings me the head of anyone who complains about "material possessions". (Hint : Colleges are the best hunting grounds.)

10. ...watch N'Sync and Brittney Spears fight the Backstreet Boys in a steel cage to finally settle the long feud between McDonald's and Burger King.