Are you the head of a major charity? And have you experienced the difficulty in raising money? Yes, it just seems that you can't get enough people to feel guilty nowadays for being successful and having money
to spend on their own selfish desires. Isn't it
enough for you to long for the days of the Dark Ages,
when charity wasn't an option but a requirement?
Well, consider your problem solved with the new
Rent-A-Retard service. Our professional retards have
been trained thoroughly in the art of begging and
asking for money, using their most pathetic
expressions to draw the money out of the pockets of
those more fortunate. In fact, Handicapped
Professional Magazine rated our retards as the most
successful service-oriented employee body for the
new millennium, even above the average employee
body of a McDonald's. Paid on an hourly basis, our
brain-challenged, thought-impaired employees are
deployed by you into the streets, where they will
gather hordes of money in the name of your company.
Right now, we expect you're thinking: "That's a
great idea - but can we really rely on these retards to
bring us the cash that they've gathered from the
guilt-ridden masses?"
Say no more, my friend. We can guarantee your success by using our new Pavlov-Sade Method, in which we beat your charity's name and address into the retard. In
addition, by applying electric shock, we will
guarantee that upon encountering each person, the
retard will plead "Please give money to this
charity or my death will be your fault." If the
retard does not retrieve finances from the victim,
then we will be sure to replace that retard with one
that operates successfully, all at no extra cost to
you. In fact, you are allowed to pick your first
retard from our well-stocked catalogue.
Here are just a few samples:
We hope that when you're thinking about ways to
improve your charity, Rent-A-Retard will come to
mind. Good night, and God bless.
