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Creative Recipes for the Socially-Conscious Cannibal
Printable Version

by Jason Roth

Get out that skillet - it's time to cook up some politically correct cannibal grub!

Just because you eat people, it doesn't mean you can't feel their pain! After all, isn't that what being liberal minded is all about?
 

Professor of Political Philosophy Flambé

1. Tie down one live professor of political philosophy to a large cedar log.

2. Place log over a light mixture of shredded John Rawls textbooks and photographs of starving Russians circa 1965.

3. Set ablaze, and dance wildly around the screaming body while singing, laughing, and wafting air from all directions to ensure an egalitarian crispness. (No individual limb should taste better than the body as a whole.)

4. Top with a hollandaise sauce made with one stick of butter and two cups abdominal wound puss from one Hollander freshly dead from waiting in line for free medical care.

5. Enjoy!

Vegetarian Animal Rights Activist Au Gratin

1. Baste one lean vegetarian animal rights activist in two quarts of monkey's blood.

2. Simmer in a lab rat bouillon for 20-25 minutes.

3. Place one organically grown apple in the vegetarian's mouth and fasten lips together with hypodermic needles contaminated with a disease as yet uncured due to a lack of animal testing.

4. Bake for 35 minutes at 450° until no longer pale and visibly malnourished.

5. Sprinkle with soy cheese and serve with a side of southern-fried dolphin intestines.

Baked Feminist Head with White Wine and Country Vegetables

• Sever the head of one rich, white feminist, and cover with parchment paper. (Available at your local cooking store.)

• Be sure not to hold the head to close to your eyes before covering with paper, or your eyes will suffer an uncomfortable burning sensation.

• Before sealing the paper, top with white wine made by rich white males, and 3-4 cups of fresh, mixed vegetables grown by misogynist farmers.

• Be sure to cover the head completely with wine, pouring in a sweeping motion in the shape of the letters "c-u-n-t".

• Bake until brain is fully cooked (usually takes only a few minutes) or until whine is no longer evident through paper.

• If parchment paper is not readily available, you may substitute aluminum foil or a Penthouse Magazine centerfold of a dumb blond with huge tits.

Blackened Left-Wing Alternative Rock Musician with Scalloped Potatoes

1. Carefully remove the dreadlocks from one scrawny, sneering, alternative-rock musician.

2. Gag with several layers of fiber-strengthened packing tape and tenderize liberally with a mallet.

3. Place in a large casserole dish, along side one live black "victim" of "police brutality" freshly rescued from death row.

4. Garnish with a blunt-weapon medley, and lock in a large, wood burning oven.

5. As much fun to watch as popcorn, this authentic Cajun dish will snap, crackle, and pop right up until serving time!

6. When the ex-musician's brain fluids are clear, remove from oven.

7. Discard black criminal in much the same way you would discard a pop-up poultry thermometer.

8. Serve with scalloped potatoes and beer imported from a third-world sweat shop.

Roast Leg of Social Worker with Mango Chutney

1. Hack off one social worker's leg with a hack saw or hand axe. (Freshness is not so important at this stage, since most social worker flesh begins to ferment even before the social worker has been slaughtered.)

2. Slice lengthwise along the underside of the leg. The social worker's underdeveloped muscles make for easy slicing; however, you may find it helpful to let the leg sit in the sink of a slumlord's unheated apartment for several hours before attempting to cut.

3. Next, pull open the incision with your hands, and sprinkle freshly ground thyme, rosemary, welfare checks, food stamps, lottery tickets, and receipts for big-screen TVs inside the social worker's leg.

4. Place in a large roasting pan, and bake for 90 minutes at 350°.

5. Baste frequently, as the juices (composed of the blood of poor people) are quite tasty.

6. Serve with individual portions of mango chutney, bibs, and baby spoons with which you will use to feed your guests, as human beings are not capable of feeding themselves without your help.

Recycling Corporation Executive Meatloaf with Mashed Potatoes and Gravy

1. Ask your butcher to grind up one CEO or board member from any recycling corporation with a government contract. (Expensive three-piece Italian suit and all.)

2. Chop up two medium-sized onions which will never be replaced due to unsustainable development and the finite nature of our natural resources.

3. In a large bowl, hand-mix the chopped onions into the ground recycling corporation executive.

4. Add ketchup, red wine, and sweat from the forehead of a janitor who must be paid to carry out a legitimate company's discarded cans and bottles for pick-up by the neo-fascist recycling corporation.

5. Serve with mashed potatoes and gravy, and garnish with one acre's worth of Amazon Rainforest parsley.