An amazing thing happened to me on the way to the supermarket.
Maybe it was the way the gasoline attendant looked at me. Maybe it was the homeless man that waved at me and smiled. Or maybe it was just the woman that jumped in front of my car and ripped off her top while screaming something about Karl Marx, until some men in white jackets threw her in the back of a hearse and appeared to beat her to unconsciousness. There was something in the air that day, and I knew somehow my life would change.
When I got to the supermarket, all my life's plans had changed. In the blink of an eye, I was no longer just another lonely individual trying to make ends meet. I was part of something. Something larger than myself. Something greater than the sum of all of us alone as individuals. The word "individual" doesn't even have any meaning to me anymore.
The supermarket was a blur. All I remember is aisle after aisle of swirling colors and smells, then standing at the cash register, with bread in hand - oh, that's right, the loaf of bread. I remember it now. I remember thinking, "There is something very wrong in the world. This, in my hand, is wrong. I don't know what it is, but sometime, somewhere, I'm going to understand why I must learn to live without this."
I stood there with the bread, when suddenly I heard the voice of the cashier saying, "Hey, you. Yeah, you, the stupid looking hippie with the Wonder Bread. Are you going to stand there all day reciting Keynes and Galbraith to yourself, or are you going to pay for that?"
That's when it hit me.
"Pay for this?" I asked.
"Yeah, what are you a fuckin' moron or something? You think I'm standing here for my health?" The woman was trapped and she didn't even know it. A day before, I didn't know it. But now, I was starting to see.
"So today I give you money for this bread," I said, trying to make her understand - but unconsciously, I think, trying to understand myself. "And tomorrow, you give the money to someone else for something you need, and the next day someone else gives the money to someone else for something they need, and-"
"Buddy, I have fifteen minutes and I'm outta here. Cut the shit, do you want the bread or not?"
"But where does it end?" I asked. I think I knew. But how she answered my question - that's what I really needed to know.
"Look buddy, I don't know what kind of psycho you are, but I ain't gonna use the money you give me to buy nothin'. I'm going to use my own money."
I smiled. The sun was about to rise for me. "But who gives you your money?" I asked.
The woman gave me a skeptical glance, but in my heart I knew she was struggling to understand, too.
"That's right," I said. "It's alright to let go. Go on, let it all out. You can cry on my shoulder if you want. Here, give me a hug."
That's when a tall African-American man with a hat and badge knocked me to the floor. Now I remember why things were such a blur to me. When something so momentous hits you all at once, it's hard to keep all your feelings straight.
"Cogs! Cogs!" I shouted as they escorted me away from that place. But they wouldn't hear. I tried to take the woman with me. I grabbed her, I tried to save her, but they pulled me away. What was her name? Why can't I remember? I didn't even ask.
I don't blame the man, or the men who came later. They were all part of it, just like I was only a day before. But I was awakening, and who was I to hold them to a higher standard, just because I was so fortunate as to finally have the understanding?
Later, as the blur began to crystallize, as the picture clarified before my eyes, I saw a field. It was a field of daisies. Children were playing. And I saw a little boy at the other end. He was playing under a tree. There were no objects, no things, nothing made by anyone. Just people, laughing.
As I ran across the sunny field, I saw the people pass on each side of me. They were in love. Not individual love, but something more. They were filled with an unconditional love that began nowhere and went on without end. Their faces - their smiling, laughing faces radiated the love with the sunlight, and I was blind. I was blind, but I could see. I never saw so clearly in all my life. And I ran past the joyful people. I reached the tree. But the boy was gone!
I felt panic, but a feeling inside of me told me it was alright. I looked around. There were no more people. I looked down at myself. There was no self. My legs - my arms - gone. I was not me. And I was floating. Like a planet or a speck of dust or a ray of light or a gust of wind or the universe itself. I was the universe. I am the universe. I am all that exists, has existed, and ever will exist. I am everything and nothing. I have achieved the end. I breathed. I breathed again. I stopped. I had awakened.
