STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

The Pros and Cons of Death

by Jason Roth

 


• Pro
  No more broccoli, turnips, or Brussels sprouts

  Con
  Plants use your head as a flower pot

   
  

• Pro
  You finally get to find out which religion was right about the afterlife

  Con
  So does the holy man rotting in the next coffin

   
  

• Pro
  Relief for your kids from your nursing home expenses

  Con
  Resentment from your kids for screwing them with the estate tax

   
  

• Pro
  No more waking up early for work

  Con
  The wooden box is hell on your back

   
  

• Pro
  Lots of time to reflect on your life

  Con
  The quadrant of your brain best suited for reflection is busy fending off maggots

   
  

• Pro
  You're no longer bothered by your sexual dysfunctions

  Con
  Neither are the necrophiliacs

   
  

• Pro
  You get to meet your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ

  Con
  He doesn't have much to say, since his mouth has long since disintegrated and fallen off his face

   
  

• Pro
  No more fears of death and taxes

  Con
  New fears of your athlete's foot consuming your leg

   
  

• Pro
  No more brown-nosing your boss

  Con
  Lots more getting locked in an airtight casket with your own uncontrollable colon

   
  

• Pro
  The pleasure of knowing that you were well groomed for your last public appearance

  Con
  The disappointment of knowing your eighteen-inch fingernails will jab you in the crotch for the next 10,000 years

   
  

• Pro
  No more listening to altruists tell you to sacrifice yourself

  Con
  Not enough light to admire your gold Rolex