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My Message from God

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by Jason Roth

I had a couple of dreams recently. They were a little odd, but after explaining them, I think you'll realize that these were more than just regular dreams.

In the first dream, I was having sex on a waterbed with a moose. Not a real moose, but a cartoon moose. You know, like a moose head on a human body? It was a female moose, so it wasn't that bad, but still, it was a moose. (Don't worry, I'm not going make any jokes using the word "rack". But shit, you should have seen the tits on this moose.)

The sex with the moose was great, but all throughout the dream, I was worried that one of the moose's antlers would puncture a hole in the waterbed. I don't even own a waterbed, so I'm not sure why I was so worried about this, but I guess it's a natural human reaction to be conscientious about whether the moose you're fucking will cause water damage.

When I first woke up after having this dream, I was concerned that maybe I was repressing a sexual fantasy involving Bullwinkle in drag. Especially since the moose in my dream had antlers, and female moose don't have antlers. But I swear the tits on this moose were 100% real, and I say that tits trump antlers any day of the week. Though, technically, it could have been half male moose and half female human. Well, whatever, there's no reason to overanalyze it.

In the second dream, I was in an underground laboratory of a mad scientist. He had created these fish that had legs - four actual legs and feet. One fish jumped out of its tank and was walking around and cuddling up to my ankle. It was like a little dog, but it was a fish. So what the hell did it mean? Fish, legs, water tanks... It got me thinking.

I was thinking, in the Bible, the fish is a metaphor for Jesus Christ. So maybe, the fish was supposed to be Jesus... but cuddling up to my leg? What was it, some kind of repressed memory? I was never an altar boy. But I was born and raised Catholic. So, maybe there's something religious here. I obviously have a recurring animal thing going on. There's a moose, a fish with legs... there's a waterbed, a water tank - what does it mean? Maybe the fish is Jesus, but then again, maybe the water is the important thing... But what's the deal with the animals?

Then I realized. When did animals and water have a major role in the Bible? Of course, Noah's Ark! Holy shit! Maybe God was trying to tell me... that the second flood is coming! And that I should build an ark... and load it up with two of every animal... this was God trying to communicate with me! Isn't this how God communicates? Through dreams?

So now I'm like, shit. I have to build an ark. I don't know how to build an ark. I mean, if anything gets fucked up in my apartment, I call the super. I called the super to replace a kitchen light bulb for Christ's sake. I can't fix a damn thing, let alone build a fucking boat. So now I'm thinking, what's the next step? If I wanted to build an ark, what would I do?

So then I thought, I know Time Life has those books, you know, those home repair books. The Time Life series. Maybe Time Life has something. I'm sure they don't have anything on ark building, but maybe they have something that would help me build a boat. And then I could just build a really big one.

So I called Time Life. It turns out that they do have a book on boat repair. But I'm like, "I don't have a boat to repair. I need to build one. I need a huge boat." So now I'm wondering if I hit a dead end. What am I going to do now?

And then, it finally occurred to me: the size of this boat that I'm going to need is massive. I thought: think about how many animals there are. Luckily, I won't actually need to get two of every species. For some of the species, just one of each should be ok. I'm sure Noah didn't know about asexual reproduction back during the first flood, so he probably just played it safe and grabbed two of everything. But even so, think about how many animals I need to fit.

Then I thought of the real problem. Forget about all the animals in the world. Just think about the size of one whale. I have to get two whales on board this ship. I'm gonna need like, at least one huge water tank.

It occurred to me that whales do live in the water. After a flood, the whales will be ok. But nope, no dice. Rain is fresh water. Whales live in salt water. I am going to need one or two salt water tanks on board this ark, if I'm gonna make sure that the whales survive the flood.

And then, before I even bothered to start building the water tanks, or the ark, I thought of another problem. What about those fish that live really, really deep below the surface of the ocean? You know, the ones that need all that pressure to survive? If the oceans get totally diluted with fresh water by all the flooding, I'm gonna need to keep them alive in salt water. But the thing is, if I bring up those fish from the bottom, they're going to explode. Those fish will totally explode.

Therefore, what I need is not an ark. What I need is a submarine. I don't know how Noah took care of this problem, but the only thing I can think of is that maybe these deep water fish evolved after the first flood. I always thought those really weird ones, like that one that has the weird light hanging in front of it or whatever, were an old species, like almost as old as the crocodile, but maybe I was wrong.

But anyway, I have to deal with these fish. I need a submarine. I need a big submarine. A submarine that can hold whales, and elephants, and birds, and freakin' insects. And you know, this is a submarine, this thing has got to be made well. I mean, I can't have the ants crawling all over the place, even if there are just two of them. But there will be at least two black ants and two red ants, plus I'm sure there are a lot of other ants that I don't even know about. This project is much tougher than building an ark. I can't even build a freaking toy boat, and now I have to build a working submarine that can hold every animal on this planet - two of almost all of them.

So, there's only one thing I can do at this point. There's no book that can tell me how to do this. I obviously need to do one thing: join the navy. I have to go back to school, because I was a film major, and I have to major in engineering, join the navy ROTC, get into the navy, work my way up, and get into submarine design and manufacturing. And then I need the money to pay for everything. I'm sure the government isn't going to buy this story about a second flood, so the whole project is going to have to be privately funded.

And I don't even know when this flood's going to happen, but I'm assuming the flood's coming soon because I had these dreams. So it must be coming soon, at least in my lifetime. So I have, at most, the rest of my lifetime to build the submarine.

Fuck it. Maybe I can steal one. There's no way I'm gonna be able to build a submarine. Let's face it, this is ridiculous. This whole thing is ridiculous, it's never gonna happen. The only way I can possibly pull this off is to steal one. I am going to need to steal a submarine. I am going to need to steal either a really big submarine, or a lot of small ones.

How am I going to do this? How am I going to steal a fleet of submarines?

Dear God, please send me a sign. I am too weak. I am humbled that you have chosen me to save all the animals in the next flood, but I have no fucking idea how to build or steal a submarine. Can you maybe think about choosing someone else to do this? It's not like I don't want to do it, it's just that I really have no idea how to pull it off.

I was thinking that I might be able to steal a submarine, like if I got a lot of guns or bombs and stuff and threatened to kill people if they didn't give me one. But there's no way that I'd be able to hold onto the submarine for any decent length of time.

So, what I'd suggest, God, is if you really want me to be the one to save the animals, can you give me an idea of when the flood is going to happen? I'd want to schedule my submarine hijacking for just before the flood, or even after it starts. Yeah, actually that would be the best way to do it. You start the flood, and while everyone is shitting in their pants about all the rain, I'll get a gun and shoot a navy admiral, disguise myself in his clothes, and take off in his submarine.

Also, please send me a map of where all the animals are.

Amen.

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