I had a couple of dreams recently. They were a little odd, but after explaining them, I think you'll realize that these were more than just regular dreams.
In the first dream, I was having sex on a waterbed with a moose. Not a real moose, but a cartoon moose. You know, like a moose head on a human body? It was a female moose, so it wasn't that bad, but still, it was a moose. (Don't worry, I'm not going make any jokes using the word "rack". But shit, you should have seen the tits on this moose.)
The sex with the moose was great, but all throughout the dream, I was worried that one of the moose's antlers would puncture a hole in the waterbed. I don't even own a waterbed, so I'm not sure why I was so worried about this, but I guess it's a natural human reaction to be conscientious about whether the moose you're fucking will cause water damage.
When I first woke up after having this dream, I was concerned that maybe I was repressing a sexual fantasy involving Bullwinkle in drag. Especially since the moose in my dream had antlers, and female moose don't have antlers. But I swear the tits on this moose were 100% real, and I say that tits trump antlers any day of the week. Though, technically, it could have been half male moose and half female human. Well, whatever, there's no reason to overanalyze it.
In the second dream, I was in an underground laboratory of a mad scientist. He had created these fish that had legs - four actual legs and feet. One fish jumped out of its tank and was walking around and cuddling up to my ankle. It was like a little dog, but it was a fish. So what the hell did it mean? Fish, legs, water tanks... It got me thinking.
I was thinking, in the Bible, the fish is a metaphor for Jesus Christ. So maybe, the fish was supposed to be Jesus... but cuddling up to my leg? What was it, some kind of repressed memory? I was never an altar boy. But I was born and raised Catholic. So, maybe there's something religious here. I obviously have a recurring animal thing going on. There's a moose, a fish with legs... there's a waterbed, a water tank - what does it mean? Maybe the fish is Jesus, but then again, maybe the water is the important thing... But what's the deal with the animals?
Then I realized. When did animals and water have a major role in the Bible? Of course, Noah's Ark! Holy shit! Maybe God was trying to tell me... that the second flood is coming! And that I should build an ark... and load it up with two of every animal... this was God trying to communicate with me! Isn't this how God communicates? Through dreams?
So now I'm like, shit. I have to build an ark. I don't know how to build an ark. I mean, if anything gets fucked up in my apartment, I call the super. I called the super to replace a kitchen light bulb for Christ's sake. I can't fix a damn thing, let alone build a fucking boat. So now I'm thinking, what's the next step? If I wanted to build an ark, what would I do?
So then I thought, I know Time Life has those books, you know, those home repair books. The Time Life series. Maybe Time Life has something. I'm sure they don't have anything on ark building, but maybe they have something that would help me build a boat. And then I could just build a really big one.
So I called Time Life. It turns out that they do have a book on boat repair. But I'm like, "I don't have a boat to repair. I need to build one. I need a huge boat." So now I'm wondering if I hit a dead end. What am I going to do now?
