I went to a baptism today. And in the spirit of the priest's gospel message, I decided to "stop and smell the roses".
(This, believe it or not, was as deep as the gospel got. You could get this kind of nonsense from a dime-store astrologer, but hey, whatever sinks your boat.)
So there I am, stopping and smelling, when bam, it hit me. Catholic ethics are way too vague.
You say "Jesus-fucking twat" one day, and you get 25 Hail Marys. You say it the next day, and you get off light with two Our Fathers and a vow never to say it again.
Anyway, on top of the ambiguity inherent in the way religious ethical justice is handed out, you have the problem of never knowing where exactly you stand in terms of, well, the only thing that counts. Whether your ass is going to heaven or not.
I mean, everyone knows that if you kill someone and don't make it to confession, you're pretty much out of the heavenly loop. But what if you commit, say, 10,000 acts of misquoting the Bible? Or, what if you willingly commit adultery with someone you believe to be a married woman, but then later find out she's only engaged? Or, what if you gamble on Sunday, but give all your winnings to a hungry leper?
This kind of shit boggles the mind. The Catholic ethical system, and religious ethical systems in general, currently don't have a means for handling these kind of dilemmas. That's why I propose initiating the institution of "Godpoints".
If you've ever played Dungeons & Dragons as a kid, then you've probably already heard of "hit points". The rules of hitpoints are: your character has X number of hit points representing your character's stamina. When X=0, your character dies. Well, Godpoints work similarly, except you don't actually die when your Godpoints go to zero. Instead, Godpoints can fluctuate throughout your life, until they're finally tallied up on Judgment Day. In fact, you can even get away with negative Godpoints as long as your total is positive by the time you kick the bucket.
Every sin will cost you a predetermined number of Godpoints. That way, you know in advance whether you can afford it. For example, if you've rescued three cats from trees and helped two old ladies cross the street, then you can afford to shoplift one loaf of bread or say "Godfuck" twice. What you do with your Godpoints is completely up to you, just like frequent flyer miles.
Now, while you can't fly to Vegas on Godpoints, you can get stoned or molest children. Just remember though, the key is that you need to have enough Godpoints. (Smoking pot will cost you 18 Godpoints, a child molestation will dock you 150.)
Godpoints are also completely transferable. If you're running low on Godpoints, but that goody-goody friend of yours has Godpoints to spare, then by all means, share. That's the beauty of Godpoints. It's not how virtuous you are, but who you know. With the right connections, a smart atheist could make it to heaven without dirtying his feet in a single church.
And church marketing departments, Jesus Christ, they'd have a field day with Godpoints. How about Godpoint scratch-off games to promote the latest religious fad? Or Godpoint Monopoly? ("Advance directly to Go and collect 200 Godpoints.") You could even start religious casinos with bingo, blackjack, and other games, where you could gamble for Godpoints. It would really suck, though, if you had a bad day at the Godpoint Casino:
"So, how'd you do, Bob?"
"Like shit, Joe. I lost all my Godpoints. Then I took out my credit card and borrowed Godpoints, and lost those, too. The only way I'm getting to heaven is if I get crucified by pagans or win big in baccarat next weekend."
