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The 10 Amendments
Amendments to the 10 Commandments Should Humanity Encounter an Alien Race

by God
(as told to Jason Roth)

1. Thou Shalt Not Interbreed.

   It's harder for a half-human, half-alien crossbreed to enter the kingdom of heaven than it is for a pagan nymphomaniac with a diamond-studded vibrator and a tattoo of Satan on her buttocks. Human-alien offspring, to the extent that they are carried to term, should be shipped off to a desert island and left to die with the homosexuals. The abortion of half-human, half-alien fetuses is tricky business, and God would prefer to let that one remain vague so you'll feel guilty no matter what you do. Abortion of the alien-half of the fetus is recommended, as long as you keep the human-half on life support.

2. Thou Shalt Not Use the Name of an Alien God in Vain.

   Although often impossible to pronounce with only one tongue, human beings are not permitted to use the names of alien gods as swear-substitutes for the original, human-fabricated God. Common sense might say: "But if God is the real god, what difference does it make if we say "Zythan the Alien Lord from Planet Death damn it, I just hit my thumb with this X3-Garflog the Royal Prince of the Galtron Quadrant blasted hammer"? Well, the answer is simple: God doesn't want you getting too chummy with Alien gods. God ain't getting rid of the monopoly on this racket that easy. God also does not want his name (i.e, "God") proliferating throughout the universe like a "Ray's Pizza" in New York City. Spiritual supremacy is like a trademark: use it or lose it, baby.

3. Once You Subscribe to Human Religion, You May Not Back Out and Try to Get into an Afterlife Designated for Aliens, Just Because You Failed to Qualify for the Human Afterlife.

   It's not fair to humanity's God if you renege on your obligation to go to heaven/hell/nirvana, etc., and follow an alien god to some competing afterlife of ill repute. Switching to an alien religion right before death is considered cheating, and you will be prosecuted. Should an alien religion accept your application for membership, you will forever be disowned by God, and will not be allowed into God's afterlife, no matter how loudly you knock on heaven's gate or how much you cry that you didn't know that the alien afterlife consisted of being a single head on an infinitely-headed, sado-masochistic, fire-breathing dragon forever flame-broiling its own genitals for all of eternity.

4. Thou Shalt Not Employ the Use of Alien Technology for the Purpose of Contacting God or Creating New and Improved Gods.

   God only worked a week his entire life, but he's still tired and wants to be left alone. Please don't try to contact God with advanced alien technology with the capacity for two way communication between multiple dimensions. If you choose to break this Amendment, not only will God pretend not to hear you, but he will send you straight to hell without supper. Creating new and improved Gods is also strictly prohibited. God is not particularly interested in participating in any "Battle of the Gods" competitions, or in reality-based TV shows that put five or six Gods in the same house and explore "When Gods stop acting all powerful, and start getting real."

5. Thou Shalt Not Transmit Inter-Galactic Radio Signals to Green, Scaly, Self-Replicating Hominids That Claim to be Descendents of the Virgin Mary.

   Time and time again, alien species attempt to entice humanity to the dark side with claims that the Virgin Mary could only have given birth if she were a self-replicating alien life form. Moreover, the alienist claim that Jesus Christ had three toes on each foot and anti-gravity sensors embedded under his skin is pure hogwash. "Thou shalt not kill" really applies only to humans, so if one of these bastards gets in the sights of your nuclear-powered laser rocket rifle, unload the sucker.

6. Thou Shalt Not Hitchhike into Space on a UFO if the Earth is Coincidentally Invaded by Aliens on Judgment Day.

   God is all knowing and all powerful and all that stuff, but nothing steals God's thunder more than making a sneaky escape during his grand finale. Boarding an alien spacecraft on Judgment Day is like looking at your watch and saying "sorry, gotta go" while your partner is having an orgasm. It is also officially against God's will to encourage alien UFO pilots to fire lasers back at God while he is throwing down lightning bolts.

7. Thou Shalt Not Make Friends with Aliens for the Purpose of Traveling Back in Time and Playing Tricks on Jesus.

   God hereby declares it evil to beam yourself back to the time of Christ with alien time-travel equipment, or to hijack alien rockets and launch yourself at warp speed through space in the hopes of reversing time. The last thing Jesus needs while he's hanging on the cross is to see Mary Magdalene peel off her human skin and grow a tail and three green breasts. And most importantly, it's sinful and punishable by eternal damnation to assassinate Jesus' parents while he's a baby, replace them with aliens in human form, and to teach Jesus some alien language so no one can understand the Bible 2000 years later.

8. Thou Shalt Not Resurrect Frozen Alien Corpses Even if it Means Disproving the Existence of Evolution.

   Do yourself a favor and stay the hell away from the Antarctic. There are things mere humans were not meant to know, and whether Eve was fucked hard doggy style by some guy from Mars is one of them. (Remember, God created Adam and Eve in his own image, so if it's discovered that an alien satisfied Eve better than Adam ever could, well, you get the point.) Combining alien DNA with the DNA of Christ and breeding alien-Christ mutants is also against His rules.

9. There is No Greater Virtue Than to Forgive An Alien For Turning Your Sister Into a Pod Person.

   Who are we to judge whether the occupation of a human body for the purpose of the eventual takeover of the universe is good or bad? Breed, and let breed. Let he who is without the desire to exterminate the human race cast the first stone. Aliens are people, too. If you ever feel uncertain about how to deal with a difficult situation, think of Abraham. Abraham was ready to slit his own son's throat - do you really think he wouldn't have let his sister become a pod person? What kind of disbeliever are you? Take two Hail Marys and call me in the morning.

10. Seek Not to Discover God's Alien-Engineered Android Nature, And if You Do, Do Not Program Him to Walk into Walls.

    God is not a robot. I repeat, God is not a robot. Ok, that being said, do God a favor and quit fucking with him. We all know that God was designed by aliens. But is it really necessary to borrow the secret password to God's brain from evil alien architects and program God to walk into walls? That's just mean. Have a little mercy, will you? Bastards.

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