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The 10 Amendments
Amendments to the 10 Commandments Should Humanity Encounter an Alien Race
by God
(as told to Jason Roth)
- Thou Shalt Not Employ the Use of Alien Technology for the Purpose of Contacting God or Creating New and Improved Gods.
God only worked a week his entire life, but he's still tired and wants to be left alone. Please don't try to contact God with advanced alien technology with the capacity for two way communication between multiple dimensions. If you choose to break this Amendment, not only will God pretend not to hear you, but he will send you straight to hell without supper.
Creating new and improved Gods is also strictly prohibited. God is not particularly interested in participating in any "Battle of the Gods" competitions, or in reality-based TV shows that put five or six Gods in the same house and explore "When Gods stop acting all powerful, and start getting real."
- Thou Shalt Not Transmit Inter-Galactic Radio Signals to Green, Scaly, Self-Replicating Hominids That Claim to be Descendents of the Virgin Mary.
Time and time again, alien species attempt to entice humanity to the dark side with claims that the Virgin Mary could only have given birth if she were a self-replicating alien life form. Moreover, the alienist claim that Jesus Christ had three toes on each foot and anti-gravity sensors embedded under his skin is pure hogwash. "Thou shalt not kill" really applies only to humans, so if one of these bastards gets in the sights of your nuclear-powered laser rocket rifle, unload the sucker.
- Thou Shalt Not Hitchhike into Space on a UFO if the Earth is Coincidentally Invaded by Aliens on Judgment Day.
God is all knowing and all powerful and all that stuff, but nothing steals God's thunder more than making a sneaky escape during his grand finale. Boarding an alien spacecraft on Judgment Day is like looking at your watch and saying "sorry, gotta go" while your partner is having an orgasm. It is also officially against God's will to encourage alien UFO pilots to fire lasers back at God while he is throwing down lightning bolts.
- Thou Shalt Not Make Friends with Aliens for the Purpose of Traveling Back in Time and Playing Tricks on Jesus.
God hereby declares it evil to beam yourself back to the time of Christ with alien time-travel equipment, or to hijack alien rockets and launch yourself at warp speed through space in the hopes of reversing time. The last thing Jesus needs while he's hanging on the cross is to see Mary Magdalene peel off her human skin and grow a tail and three green breasts.
And most importantly, it's sinful and punishable by eternal damnation to assassinate Jesus' parents while he's a baby, replace them with aliens in human form, and to teach Jesus some alien language so no one can understand the Bible 2000 years later.
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