STH Newsletter

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The 10 Amendments
Amendments to the 10 Commandments Should Humanity Encounter an Alien Race

by God
(as told to Jason Roth)

1. Thou Shalt Not Interbreed.

   It's harder for a half-human, half-alien crossbreed to enter the kingdom of heaven than it is for a pagan nymphomaniac with a diamond-studded vibrator and a tattoo of Satan on her buttocks. Human-alien offspring, to the extent that they are carried to term, should be shipped off to a desert island and left to die with the homosexuals.

   The abortion of half-human, half-alien fetuses is tricky business, and God would prefer to let that one remain vague so you'll feel guilty no matter what you do. Abortion of the alien-half of the fetus is recommended, as long as you keep the human-half on life support.

2. Thou Shalt Not Use the Name of an Alien God in Vain.

   Although often impossible to pronounce with only one tongue, human beings are not permitted to use the names of alien gods as swear-substitutes for the original, human-fabricated God. Common sense might say: "But if God is the real god, what difference does it make if we say "Zythan the Alien Lord from Planet Death damn it, I just hit my thumb with this X3-Garflog the Royal Prince of the Galtron Quadrant blasted hammer"?

   Well, the answer is simple: God doesn't want you getting too chummy with Alien gods. God ain't getting rid of the monopoly on this racket that easy. God also does not want his name (i.e, "God") proliferating throughout the universe like a "Ray's Pizza" in New York City. Spiritual supremacy is like a trademark: use it or lose it, baby.

3. Once You Subscribe to Human Religion, You May Not Back Out and Try to Get into an Afterlife Designated for Aliens, Just Because You Failed to Qualify for the Human Afterlife.

   It's not fair to humanity's God if you renege on your obligation to go to heaven/hell/nirvana, etc., and follow an alien god to some competing afterlife of ill repute. Switching to an alien religion right before death is considered cheating, and you will be prosecuted.

   Should an alien religion accept your application for membership, you will forever be disowned by God, and will not be allowed into God's afterlife, no matter how loudly you knock on heaven's gate or how much you cry that you didn't know that the alien afterlife consisted of being a single head on an infinitely-headed, sado-masochistic, fire-breathing dragon forever flame-broiling its own genitals for all of eternity.