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Go back to: home  feeding your guilt god's corner
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Before Mommies and Daddies
A Toddler's Guide to God, Stuff, & the Fundamental Nature of the Universe
by God
(as told to Jason Roth)
Back then at the beginning of time, there were no mommies and daddies, no video games, no stuffed animals, no candy, no school teachers, and no goldfish. All there was was a big empty nothing. Try to imagine the hole of a donut without the donut. Not a Dunkin' Donuts Munchkin, but the hole of a donut without the donut and without the hole. Ok dammit, when I say there was nothing, I mean nothing.(2)
As God sat there alone in the universe, He thought, "What sort of somethings do I want to play with?" God looked around for inspiration. He didn't see anything. Then God exclaimed, "I'm such a doo-doo head! I didn't create anything yet! God dammit, I keep forgetting that!"(3) God didn't have the greatest memory, but for much of eternity, He hadn't really needed it. Since He hadn't created anything, there hadn't been anything to remember.
Suddenly, God thought, "Wait a second, I have an idea! I'll create stuff out of nothing and squeeze it into lots of planets and stars and solar systems!" God liked this idea. Stuff was a concept He hadn't thought of before.(4)
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Footnotes:
(2) You might be wondering, "Well, God wasn't nothing, was He? And if He wasn't nothing, wasn't He something? So in a way, there was something even before God created anything, wasn't there?" However, good boys and girls know that if they don't want to burn in hell for eternity, they won't ask questions like this. Not even silently, to themselves. If this question ever occurs to you, punch yourself in the head and repeat "Bad brain, bad brain." This is what we call faith.
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(3) Before God invented the Ten Commandments, it wasn't a sin to say "God dammit". (Even now, God is allowed break a commandment every now and then. Think of God like the ambassador to Zimbabwe. Just like the ambassador, God is allowed to park in a no-parking zone. In addition, God is also allowed to send plagues to ravage the Earth and impregnate virgins without their consent. It's just one of the perks of being the creator of the universe.)
Another reason it was ok to say "God dammit" was that "damn" was a word temporarily rendered inoperative due to the fact that God hadn't yet built a Hell to which to damn anything. Other inoperative words that only existed in the mind of God were: "pornography", "Lucifer", and "grilled cheese sandwich".
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(4) Given that there was no stuff of which God's brain could be composed, and God's brain therefore occupied no actual position in the entire universe, it's understandable that it took so long for God to come up with the idea of stuff. Ask any neurosurgeon: brain cells are made of stuff, and brains work faster with brain cells.
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