STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Before Mommies and Daddies
A Toddler's Guide to God, Stuff, & the Fundamental Nature of the Universe

by God
(as told to Jason Roth)

Have you ever seen a picture of your mommy or daddy as a baby? Can you believe that they were babies just like you, before you were even born? Or that before they were born, their mommies and daddies were babies, too?

Unfortunately, even your best friend's little sister could tell you that this sort of logical chain inevitably results in an infinite regress. The question is, was there ever a first baby? If so, did he or she have any toys? And if so, then who or what made those toys? Were the toys just created by "accident", or were they planted in the Earth's crust by aliens?

Was there a big bang, and if so, what banged? And if there's a big bang in the middle of the universe and no one's there to hear it, is it really a bang? To answer these questions, boys and girls, we have to flip back the pages of time.

Once upon a time, a long time ago, there was God. (That's me.) Unfortunately, "was" was all God could do, because there wasn't anything else to do yet. You see, God hadn't gotten around to creating anything. In fact, God had been sitting around for so long doing nothing, He was getting a really big ass. God had the biggest ass in the entire universe.⁽¹⁾

(1) Well, at this point, God actually had the only ass in the universe. Had there been a Guinness Book of World Records, God most likely would have been granted the record for both the biggest ass and the only ass. However, God hadn't yet created the planet Earth, so there was no paper anywhere in the universe on which to print even one copy of the Guinness Book.
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