Offer the waiter a VERY generous tip if he could wipe your ass for you. When he agrees get a friend with a camera to follow you to the bathroom. As soon as he touches you scream rape and run out crying leaving only the photo's behind.

12/7/01 22:57:57 EST

ask for a specific dish (complicate it as well as you can) when the waiter/waitress brings you the meal eat half and call them back to the table very loudly (disturbing the rest of the customers) and demand a new dish or your money back! then leave before anyone can respond to your actions

11/24/01 01:47:18 EST

Go to a very high-class estabishment. Ask the waiter/waitress for "escargot, to go!" Then snort your most convincing retard laugh.

10/12/01 22:16:44 EST

Have your girlfriend hide under the table and groan for the duration of the meal.

8/19/01 02:14:35 EST

Order a side of sour creme with your hot fudge Sunday. When they bring it, laugh and say "I was just kidding!" Then tell her that your lactoise intolerant and demand ketchup.

8/15/01 16:23:23 EST

Upon the waiter serving your soda, tell him that it tastes like seltzer and choose another kind of soda. Continue until he has served every kind of soda, then ask for a water.

Editor's Note: Nice one. But better yet, ask for a seltzer.

8/7/01 13:54:56 EST

1.WHEN YOU GET YOUR FOOD, HAVE THE WAITER USE THE PEPPER THING. FOR A LONG TIME. DISTURBINGLY LONG, LIKE 15 MINUTES. AFTER HE STOPS, TAKE A BITE AND COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW MUCH PEPPER THERE IS.

2. When asked how you would like your food done, or what side dish, take a really long time to answer, like 20 minutes.

5/19/01 22:17:59 EST

At the end of your meal, place your knife at the very edge of your plate in such a manner that when the waitress goes to pick it up, it falls to the floor.

5/9/01 19:30:23 EST

Tell the waiter he got the dish wrong, and when he comes back with the dish appropriately changed, tell him to go put it back the way it was. (You'll piss off the chef even more than the waiter)

2/17/01 12:37:21 EST

Wave your hand in front of your face and say loudly "I was taught to say excuse me after passing wind, weren't you?"

2/5/01 19:46:32 EST

WARNING! This could lead to violence, don't ask me how I know... For particularly obnoxious waiters, especially when the food also really sucks.

First complain loudly that the food is awful, in fact, so bad that you are feeling sick. Start moaning and acting sick, like you're about to throw.

Then get a mouthful of the vilest stuff on your plate, chew very well, but don't swallow. Then, as the waiter approaches you, SPEW all over him.

Hey, it worked for President Bush....

11/7/00 16:42:01 EST

Walk in wearing a toga and a full length beard. Then walk up to the waiter and ask to have a 'dialogue' with him. When he refuses, remind him that the Oracle at Delphi declared you the wisest man in the restaurant, and that since you are the wisest man in the restaurant, the restaurant should give you free room and board.

Then announce to the crowd that you are placing bets on if the waiter can guess your name. I suggest 10 to 1 odds.

09/06/00 10:33:17 EST

Tell the waiter that your wife just left you for a woman, you were fired today, your house was repossessed, and this is your last meal. Finally, Pull him very close and whisper, "if this steak isn't fucking perfect I'll put a goddammed slug in your fairy-ass", then leave.

06/19/00 23:15:31 EST

Ask for the appetizer to be served AFTER the entre. When your food arrives, ask what happened to the appetizer. Demand to see the manager. Enjoy the scene as the waiter tries to explain that you asked for this kind of service, while you vehemently deny it.

06/10/00 11:59:12 EST

Order a milkshake with your meal, leave some in the glass, put in two dollars and cover with leftovers....