Another e-tarded e-mail exchange, taking the crank call into the new millennium.
For some reason, there were no responses to these two e-mails. I don't understand why...
To: Endangered Species Chocolate Company
Subject: Media Contact
Dear Endangered Species Chocolate Company,
I find your site simply remarkable! I love the idea that you turned a selfish act like eating chocolate into an unselfish act like helping Mother Nature. This is more than genius. It's chocolatey-good! :)
Can you tell me if your chocolate bars help endangered plants, or only animals? I am interested in growing endangered plants to "regurgitate" some of these precious, almost extinct species before it's too late. Endangered plants are often ignored by most of the world. Worse yet, some people even make salads out of them. I always try to prepare my plants for the world out there before I set them free. (If you're interested, I can tell you about my bioengineering research which, if God is on my side, will make bamboo virtually inedible to human beings.)
Do you care for endangered plants and animals yourselves and set them free in the wild, or do you tend to focus on not having any profits? Also, do you know if there's a website that sells endangered animals that don't eat orchids?
Regards,
Jason Roth
To: "Train Up a Child, Inc."
Subject: Bulk Purchases of Your Biblical Action Figures
Dear "Train Up a Child, Inc.",
Before I start spouting serious nonsense, let me first say that I love your Biblical action figures. Maybe if I had had Jesus, Moses, Adam, and Eve action figures as a kid, instead of the violent (and on a deeper level, blasphemous) Star Wars figures, I wouldn't have gotten myself so deeply entrenched in the evils of science fiction. (Actually, I was never a sci-fi geek, thank God, but I did, however, on one occasion seek sexual self-gratification from the actress in "The Swamp Thing".) So thank you, thank you, thank you, for the service you are doing for parents like me who believe that there's no time like play time for getting the kids involved in the Holiest of Holies, the Holy, Holy, Holy task of "Training Kids Up to Be the Best They Can Be, and Love, Love, Love God With All Their Hearts". So again, I thank you!
And now, I have two questions. I don't, as yet, own a religious toy store. However, the idea of building one is intriguing to me. What discounts do you offer on bulk purchases? Do you have plans to produce additional action figures? It's a no-brainer that we could make millions with a Moses, a nice, big, plastic ark, and hundreds or even thousands of pairs of animals to put in the ark. If I dared to indulge myself in the sin of greed, I might even be salivating at the thought of all that money we could make! :)
The second question is really an aside, but nevertheless I thought you might be able to advise me on the matter. How would you recommend I explain to my son the best way to play with his David and Goliath action figures, in a non-violent way? On one hand, I appreciate that my son knows and enjoys this Biblical story. On the other hand, he seems to gain a little Too Much pleasure out of making David kill Goliath. And the scary thing is, when my son plays with the action figures, he always has Goliath act like a nice man, and David is more like the diabolical (or "dia-Biblical") crazy man. The other day, he had Goliath sitting in an easy chair made out of Legos, and then "da-dum, da-dum, da-dum", there came David walking up behind him and smashing his skull with a big boulder. I realize that every artist has taken liberties with the Biblical stories, but I'm worried that my son might be going too far.
Thanks very much, and I can't wait to hear from you.
Regards,
Jason Roth
