STH Newsletter

Occasional updates, plus bonus idiotic ramblings. (We've never sent more than one e-mail per month.)

Subhead - October 2000

by Jason Roth

• (Reuters, September 7, 2000)

  Colombia Seizes Drug-Running Submarine

  An investigation ensues into which Beatles song they were planning to play on their first trip.

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• (SF Chronicle, September 8, 2000)

  Yahoo's Stock Price Falls For No Reason

  Journalist wins Nobel Prize for insightful analysis.

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• (Independent September, 11, 2000)

  Protesters clash with police outside economic summit in Australia

  Peaceful anti-capitalists expose evils of corporate greed through humane tactics of screaming, spray-painting graffiti, slashing tires, and assorted physical violence.

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• (InfoBeat News, September, 11, 2000)

  Bridgestone: Tires may not be faulty

  Bridgestone Corp. president manages to grow testicles. Oops, he didn't do it until after recalling 6.5 million tires.

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• (InfoBeat News, September, 11, 2000)

  Gay-themed shows fare well at Emmys

  Television viewers even more willing to watch sex among members of their own gender then watch the usual trash on TV.

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• (Reuters, September 13, 2000)

  Clinton Retaliates Against Japan Whaling

  Evidently "Putting People First" doesn't apply to Japanese fishermen.

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• (Associated Press, September 13, 2000)

  Gore Defends Ties to Weinstein

  Says using campaign contributions from producers of violent and pornographic films is fine, just as long as you use the money to help pass laws against violent and pornographic films.

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• (Reuters, September 14, 2000)

  China, U.S. Clash on Missile Shield at Arms Talks

  U.S. should not only "turn the other cheek", but also "take it up the ass", and "leave its citizens completely open to mass annihilation by Chinese warheads". This, according to both a Chinese ambassador and the moral principles accepted by most Americans.

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• (The Washington Times, September 14, 2000)

  Gore linked to donation for Clinton veto

  James Kennedy, director of communications for the vice president's office, said "The Republicans knew about this for months, so it's obvious that they're only bringing it up because the election is around the corner." Completing the syllogism, Kennedy added, "Therefore, what Gore did was fine."

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• (Associated Press, September 15, 2000)

  Man gets life in racial bombings

  2 Pipe Bombs + 0 Casualties + Hate = Life in Prison
  1 Gun + 1 Death + 0 Hate = 10 Years in Prison
  (We better make thinking a hate crime, too, so this actually makes sense to people.)

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• (CNNfn, September 15, 2000)

  AltaVista lays off 225
  Money-losing Web portal lays of 25 percent of staff to achieve profitability

  O, how we long for the days when an e-business didn't need a business plan.

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• (Reuters, September 18, 2000)

  L.A. Transit Strike Creates Woes for Poor

  So what? Fewer buses "helps the environment". Earth first, man.

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• (Reuters, September 18, 2000)

  Report Calls for More Asteroid Protection

  Umbrella sales on rise.

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• (Associated Press, September 21, 2000)

  Dying prohibited in Riviera town

  Photographer Jean-Louis Sieff's corpse gets death penalty.

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• (Associated Press, September 25, 2000)

  Grateful Dead fights music pirates

  If you don't believe in private property, how exactly do you defend the existence of "pirates"?

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• (Reuters, September 26, 2000)

  Protesters Clash with Police at IMF Meeting

  More "demonstrations" in Prague by those peace-loving anti-capitalists.

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• (Reuters, September 26, 2000)

  Two Injured in New Orleans School Shooting

  Students saved from a few days of multiculturalist history lessons, "self esteem" training, and "new" math.

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• (NY Times, September 27, 2000)

  Studios to Curb Marketing of R-Rated Films to Youth

  Congratulations, Senators. You've made censorship a bipartisan issue.

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• (Reuters, September 27, 2000)

  Sony unable to meet PlayStation 2 demand

  Lots of extra crucifixes if anybody wants 'em.

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• (Associated Press, September 27, 2000)

  Survivors Recount Ferry

  One survivor of the Greek ferry tragedy recounts, "The crew members were watching TV. I thought it was dangerous, but I didn't say anything because I didn't have the guts. But now that people are dead, I can accuse the crew members because I have the whole world behind me. I am a person of courage and integrity."

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• (Reuters, September 29, 2000)

  Olympic Dream Vanishes for Jones

  Marion Jones already won two golds and a bronze by this point (and she wasn't done yet). But that's not as news worthy as her dreams of winning 5 gold medals vanishing, is it? Let's see a single journalist even qualify for the Olympics. Bastards.

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