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Go back to: home  donkey steak subhead
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Page 1
Subhead - June 2000
by Jason Roth
- (Associated Press, May 12, 2000)
World's Great Apes Are Disappearing
World's supply of stupid ape costumes still on the rise.
- (Associated Press, May 15, 2000)
Saccharin Dropped From Cancer List
Pumping rats full of ridiculous amounts of saccharin, however, remains on list of "good ways to fuck over Corporate America".
- (Reuters, May 16, 2000)
Coke to Spend $1 Billion on Diversity Initiative
Plans to eliminate that sickening "qualified white people" aftertaste.
- (Reuters, May 16, 2000)
Survey: Many Americans Wary of Wealth
When offered wealth, 9 out of 10 Americans still willing to tolerate the label of "greedy bastard".
- (Associated Press, May 17, 2000)
Domestic Violence on Decline
More wives "doing what they're told", abusive husbands say.
- (Associated Press, May 18, 2000)
Feds Blame Selves for N.M. Fires
Chief park ranger says "The sacrifice of hundreds of homes is sometimes required for the good of the Aryan race, uh, that is, the environment."
- (CNN, May 23, 2000)
Arkansas disciplinary panel recommends Clinton disbarment
Panel refuses to allow a liar to remain in the elite group of child molester, rapist, and serial murderer defenders.
- (Reuters, May 23, 2000)
Folk Remedy Effective for Childhood Diarrhea
Nothing induces diarrhea better than Peter, Paul, and Mary, study shows.
- (Associated Press, May 23, 2000)
$5, $10 Bills Get Makeovers
Abraham Lincoln and Alexander Hamilton to be replaced by Jiang Zemin and Fidel Castro. FDR dime to remain untouched.
- (BBC, May 24, 2000)
Scientists witness birth of new island
Volcano's 9-million-year-long cravings for pickles come to sudden end.
- (Channel NewsAsia, May 25, 2000)
China hails US House vote on permanent normal trade relations
After voting away human rights violations in China, Congress next plans to vote away jock itch, the birth of Stalin, and the sinking of the Titanic.
- (San Jose Mercury News, May 25, 2000)
Agents with phony IDs enter U.S. agencies in test
"Nothing to worry about" President Clinton said at press conference. "All welfare checks went out on time."
- (Reuters, May 25, 2000)
Texas Inmate Auctions Execution Seats on eBay
Had Internet access, mud bath, and shiatsu massage privileges suspended for three days.
- (CNN, May 31, 2000)
Clinton offers to share missile defense technology
Just as Benedict Arnold "offered to share" the keys to West Point.
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