A top Pakistani cleric announced Friday a $1 million bounty for his own head. In response to the Danish cartoonist who drew the Prophet Muhammad, the cleric declared that he must be sacrificed to enter the kingdom of Allah and to atone for the act of blasphemy.
The cleric, apparently unaware that 12 different people had drawn the cartoons, did not specify how or if all of the cartoonists' sins would be atoned for if he only had one life to offer.
Professor John Esposito, Director of the Center for Muslim-Christian Understanding at Georgetown University, suggested that perhaps the cleric would offer an additional bounty on his life after death, on the assumption that millions of more dollars would be available in Heaven for all kinds of bounties. It is unclear, however, whether the cleric would go to the same afterlife, or an after-afterlife, should he be killed while already dead.
Other theologians questioned whether the materials to produce bombs or even swords existed in the afterlife, and expressed their skepticism that a dead cleric could be killed with nothing but clouds and virgins. Critics said that multiple bounties placed on already dead clerics would be nothing more than a Muslim pyramid scheme, and added that most Muslims would not want to commit murders or suicide attacks after having already committed them in their first lives. This point has been highly debated, however.
Some non-Muslims have said the cleric's bounty may be exactly what the Western world needs from the Islamic world to unite the two cultures. One American, Chuck "Trigger Finger" Ferrigno, said he's already embarked on the quest for the bounty.
"I'm no Muslim," Ferrigno said, "But we can agree to disagree about why these Islamofascists ought to die. The main thing is, we all agree that they should die."
American conservatives have also praised the cleric's decision to offer a bounty on his own head. Paul Sefer, president of Christian Parents United Against the Evil Influences of Satan and Satan's Henchmen on America's Children (CPUAEISSHAC), said that the cleric's announcement was a big step in the right direction.
"As a pillar of American society, we must defend the freedom of speech to the death," Sefer said. "We'll reconsider our position once these Danes start making fun of Christians."
In related news, Iran has officially renamed the "Danish" pastry the "Rose of the Prophet Muhammad" and has renamed the Dunkin' Donuts Munchkin the "Holy Testicle of the Prophet Muhammad". Sales of the Holy Testicle of Muhammad have been declared permissible only in pairs, and may be sold with or without the Holy Penis of Muhammad, Iran's new name for the ladyfinger.
Some Iranian bakery owners have halted the production of jelly-filled versions of the donut hole treats, amidst fears that strawberry jelly may be deemed blasphemous and therefore punishable by death. The previous method of execution for bakery-related offenses, "munchkining" will be replaced by traditional stonings, unless or until the Iranian government issues a new declaration of the proper baked good to use for such an offense.
Some Middle-East experts believe that Iran may soon replace the Holy Testicle of Muhammad with a coconut cream pie to carry out death sentences when Islam is mocked with any food item containing carbohydrates.
Western European coconut importers have already offered to supply Iran with any needed coconuts.
