International Affairs
Western nations see a sharp rise in IT outsourcing to India and balls outsourcing to Israel. World leaders call upon Israel to allow Hezbollah the freedom to live in peace within Lebanon and to launch their rockets in privacy.
The Environment
The Earth's temperature continues to rise dramatically, causing glaciers to melt and disrupting the lives of countless animal and plant species. Fortunately, Al Gore wasn't alive 10,000 years ago to make a movie about it.
Sports
The world cheers as some idiot kicks a ball too high, and the world's most popular sporting event comes to a spectacular conclusion. Boxing fans note that if a guy boxes badly, at least you get to see someone bashing his fucking head in.
Also, from the country that brought you the sports of Jerry Lewis marathons, smelling like shit, and extreme armpit hair growing, comes a sport that no more deserves to be captured on film than does catch-and-release aardvark hunting or Australian-rules dwarf bowling. But ESPN2 was invented for this shit (along with the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest) and if it pisses off the French to see another American pedal his way to victory, we can give it a pass.
Business
Oil still not free. Consumers pissed.
Entertainment
Porn surpasses mahjong as the world's most popular form of entertainment amongst senior citizens. "Without the need for a partner, porn keeps our seniors' minds nimble and helps fight arthritis," said Dr. Hanspeter Schlongendorf, head of geriatrics at the John Holmes Center for Rehabilatory Masturbation. "It's also great for people who no longer have anyone to fuck," he added.
Also in the news: Miss Iran crowned Miss Terrorist Cunt 2006. (Not to be confused with the Ms. Terrorist Cunt competition.) In addition to a trophy, Miss Iran also received a death by stoning. Her photo will appear on the cover of next month's burkha issue of Goatball Illustrated.
