After nearly fifteen minutes of web searching, self-proclaimed "Objectivist" Bartholomew Jenkins claimed he has discovered something evil on an Internet website.
Jenkins said he initially believed the web site was "sympathetic to Objectivism". After additional searching, however, Jenkins says he became convinced that the website, as well as its owner and all those who visit it, were "irrational enemies of Objectivism".
"Something smelled wrong," Jenkins said. "When I detected some underlying facetiousness, I knew that true intellectual sobriety was lacking," Jenkins added. "It was at that point that I decided to search further and uncover the website's true irrationality."
The frequent web poster, well-known in blogger and discussion group circles for his use of bizarrely incongruous Ayn Rand quotes, said that according to his cursory reading of Ayn Rand's nonfiction works, the web site content was clearly "morally offensive". Jenkins said that the website made "an evasive attempt to smuggle A into the realm of the non-A, while subversively attacking the metaphysical foundations of the pseudo-egoistic contradiction that derives from, yet helps to prop up, dare I say, the theoretical relativistic argument for the subjectivist-intrincisist premise that, you know, well, anyway."
Jenkins said he became certain that the website was objectionable to Objectivists when he discovered partial evidence on the website of a link to a website which linked to a website which referred to a news story that mentioned a potential insinuation that an upcoming animated film might, in fact, allude to the possibility that an instrumental religious hymn could, in rare instances, provide a mild source of aural gratification to the listener. Although since proven false, Jenkins said the mere appearance of such impropriety could "slow the spread of Objectivism for years, if not decades".
Even imagined or misunderstood impropriety, Jenkins said, could prove harmful if the reader were unfamiliar with Objectivism and, as Jenkins put it, "were immediately stabbed with a red hot poker in the eyes and ears before successfully reaching another website or discussing the information with another living human being".
"Who knows how many innocent potential Objectivists could be dissuaded from pursuing the study of Objectivism should this angry, injured, eyeless and earless vestige of a human being scrawl his irrational pseudo-knowledge onto a wall?" Jenkins wondered aloud.
When asked whether Jenkins sincerely thought that brilliantly reasoned philosophical arguments could really be subjugated by the mildly sloppy use of sarcasm, Jenkins answered with an emphatic "Yes!"
"In any compromise between poison and a human brain, it's poison that will win," Jenkins said.
At that moment during the crowded press conference, a protester ran into the room and tossed a copy of Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead at Jenkins' face. "Read it again, you fucking idiot," the protester yelled, before being hauled off by police.
