C. Dean Metropoulos, chairman and chief executive of Pinnacle Foods Corporation, owner of Vlasic, makers of Vlasic Kosher Dill "Stackers" pickles, has been asked to step down from his position after a sexist statement was discovered on the packaging of one of his company's products.
The statement, "You've chosen wisely, Madame", which appears on a pickle jar lid, angered Jason Roth, who was making his sandwich one morning when he discovered the statement.
"What the hell?" Roth said. "Who the hell are you calling 'Madame'? Do I look like a woman to you?" Roth added.
Roth said he believed the statement was sexist to not one, but both sexes, depending on how you looked at it.
"Not only do they assume a woman bought these pickles," Roth said, "but that only a woman is opening the jar. That's bullshit."
Roth said he believed the statement was either offensive to men because it implies they're effeminate for opening up a "goddamn jar of pickles", or it's offensive to women because it implies that it's women's work to shop for groceries and make sandwiches.
"Why the hell would you talk to only the female segment of your market?" Roth asked to himself while sitting alone in his apartment. "I mean, I can see writing "You've chosen wisely, Madame" on your bra packaging if you're the Playtex company, because who the hell cares if you offend a few transvestites. But can't you think of anything to put on your lid that somehow appeals to two different genders? I mean, Jesus Christ. We're talking about pickles."
Roth said he believed the Vlasic product packaging copywriter must be a "fucking moron" and the product manager in charge of the "Stackers" pickles product line should be "shot in the fucking nuts".
"Only a guy would write promotional copy using the word 'Madame'", Roth said. "And don't tell me I'm sexist for saying that," Roth added. "You know damn well I'm right."
The Vlasic pickle jar lid was "insensitive at best", Roth said, or "completely ignorant of the phallic properties of pickles, at worst".
When questioned whether Vlasic "Stackers" pickles, which come already sliced, are in fact "phallic", Roth argued, "That's not the point. Pickles are cucumbers, and cucumbers are a well-known instrument of female masturbation." Roth added that the "sliced pickle argument" was an attempt to split hairs, and was indeed a "phallic fallacy".
At press time, it is unknown whether the cartoon pelican on the jar of Vlasic pickles is a rip-off of Groucho Marx, as Roth also alleges. The bird's glasses, and the pickle held like a cigar, certainly leave the Vlasic organization in a big pile of shit they'll need to dig themselves out of.
As to allegations that Roth didn't quote himself when using the phrase "big pile of shit", and thereby undermined the satirical aspect of his writing, Roth said, "I'm writing this goddamn thing, so everything in it is said by me. Therefore, I don't need to use quotation marks if I don't want to."
Besides, who the fuck cares?
