In sharp contrast with recent publicity campaigns linking drug use and automobile fuel consumption to terrorism, a new study concludes the opposite. A study by Boston University, released today, indicates that it's terrorists that are "fucking with our drugs and gas", not vice versa as previously assumed.
According to the study, the "anti-drug assholes" are giving al Qaeda and other terrorist groups a monopoly on drugs, causing an artificial rise in drug prices. The study also suggests that the criminalization of drugs has helped funnel drug profits to the terrorist groups, rather than to corporations like Phillip Morris or Anheuser Busch, "where they belong".
According to one Boston University researcher, 19-year-old Jeff "Booger" Feldman, "You know how much I paid for a 12-pack of Busch Light last weekend? Seven bucks. Can you imagine if Bud sold cocaine? That would be fucking sweet."
The study also points to what it claims are inherent weaknesses in recent anti-SUV television commercials.
One researcher commented, "Those five-car owning celebrity motherfuckers are gonna tell me not to drive my fucking Pathfinder? Screw them. If they can take their limo to the goddamn Democratic fundraiser, I can drive a carload full of sorority sluts to my parents' goddamn ski lodge."
Boston University researchers say that an increase in the number of sorority sluts per capita will yield more favorable chances of getting laid.
Future studies hope to address the correlation between chocolate and peanut butter.
"What I want to know is," Mr. Feldman said, "Is chocolate better with peanut butter, or is peanut butter better with chocolate?"
Mr. Feldman's detractors are quick to point out that "that stoned bastard would eat his own feces if there was nothing else in the refrigerator. Where's the control group?"
"Nothing else in the refrigerator?" Feldman said. "I don't put my feces in the refrigerator."
