In a move that has left the comedy world stunned, comedian Jose Walker vowed today to end religious intolerance within his own stand-up comedy material.
The comedian, widely known as "The Uncircumcised Hispanic Jesus Boy" and famous for his metaphorical representations of the son of God using a 14-inch black phallus, issued a statement this morning saying that his "blasphemous acts of religious intolerance" will come to an abrupt end.
Walker announced that jokes about "long-haired white unemployed hippies who walk on water" and "parents who beat their kids and force them to talk to invisible gremlins" have become an insult to his intelligence and fail to provide a sufficient test of his comedic mind.
"I never thought I'd say this," Walker said. "But religion is officially a taboo subject to me."
Walker, who often employed a large wooden mallet to crush grape juice- and ketchup-filled figurines of a pregnant Virgin Mary during his comedy acts, soaking audience members as far as two-dozen rows back, said it's time for him to move on.
"I didn't become a comedian to talk about this nonsense for my whole goddamn life," Walker said. "There's a whole world of dick jokes out there that I haven't yet even begun to tap."
Asked about Walker's decision, comedian Jerry Seinfeld commented, "Have you ever been to a Catholic wedding? Have you been to one of these things? Have you noticed how all these Catholics drink red wine out of the exact same cup? Now, is this really healthy? Wouldn't you think that after two-thousand years, somebody would have thought of a more sterile way of drinking the blood of Christ?"
Upon further reflection, Seinfeld added, "Newman!"
