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Ex-Kidnapper Opens Youth Center

by Jason Roth

Reformed ex-kidnapper Ned Roberts says his days of abducting and molesting young children are behind him.

Roberts, who was caught 15 years ago with a bag of candy in one hand and an eight-year-old girl's buttocks in the other, opened a neighborhood youth center in Los Angeles County today.

Roberts completed his prison sentence just last week, and says the opening of the youth center will help him to "turn over a new leaf" on his way to full recovery.

"I feel obligated to repay my debt to society," Roberts said.

The center, which contains beanbag chairs, foosball table, and an ample supply of pornographic videos and Oreo cookies, is a perfect place for busy parents to drop off their kids after work, Roberts said.

"Fifteen years of psychotherapy and anal sex with grown men," Roberts said, "have taught me that kidnapping is wrong."

However, some critics question the utility of a bedroom in the youth center with frogs painted on the ceiling.

The room shouldn't raise any eyebrows, says Roberts. "What's a youth center without a facility for nap time and a little harmless hide-the-pony?" Roberts said.

Roberts plans on launching a pick-up and delivery service early next year.

"I'm just thankful that we live in a country where people can be forgiven for their mistakes," Roberts said.

Some residents expressed concern over the propriety of Roberts' youth center being situated adjacent to a popular ladies' health club run by a convicted rapist.

"What kind of message are we sending to our children?" said Charles Fensworth, a local resident and outspoken critic of the Roberts center. "That it's ok to behave like this outside of Berkeley?"

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