Scientists at the State University of New York in Brooklyn successfully implanted electrodes in the brains of five animal rights activists. By "electrocuting the fuck" out of their frontal lobes, scientists say animal rights activists can be forced to walk face-first into walls and trees.
"There are a plethora of applications of the brainal implant," said John Chapin, leader of the SUNY Brooklyn team. "But we couldn't resist making those disheveled, whiny bastards do things that they normally would never do. Like take showers, for example."
It's especially fun to make them wear fur and eat meat, Chapin said. "Even while they're expelling vomit uncontrollably, you can still make them shove hotdogs and burgers into their mouths with their own hands. Nothing is funnier, or more satisfying," Chapin added.
Critics, however, question whether Chapin's team has gone far enough.
"I say we make them act like lemmings," animal-rights-activist-hater Joseph Sirloin said. "With scientific progress comes immense social responsibility. Therefore, Chapin should make those morons swim a couple miles away from shore, and see how far back they get before sinking like the cultural deadweights that they are."
Next, the SUNY Brooklyn team plans to wrap the animal rights activists' hands in "bacon mittens" and force them to slap each other silly until the electrode implants rupture inside their brains or they agree to wear Italian leather shoes and wash their hair with fresh rabbit's blood. "Whichever comes first," Chapin said.
