STH Newsletter

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Unofficial Findings That The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) Doesn't Want You to Know About

by Jason Roth

• Underage drinkers are 400% more likely to give or receive a blowjob after funneling a six-pack.

• 4 out 5 high school students say they would brag to their friends about being featured in a PBS documentary on underage drug and alcohol abuse.

• 74% of high school students would prefer to get trashed in a cemetery rather than volunteer at a recycling center.

• 96% of high school students surveyed believe that researchers for The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse should be stuffed inside beer kegs, rolled down large hills, then force-fed whole jugs of grain alcohol and sodomized with empty bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade.

• Nearly 50% of all drunk high school students would be willing to order pay-per-view porn while the host of the party is in the other room.

• 84% of high school students believe that a twelve-pack of Coors Light is more enjoyable than a history class.

• Underage drinkers would drink 50% of all alcohol consumed in the U.S., rather than a mere 25%, if only they could find out the exact schedule of that clueless Indian guy who works at the convenience store.

• 78% of high school students will mix Gin with Root Beer Schnapps, if that's all that's available in their parents' liquor cabinet.

• 87% of television news anchors nearly choked on their after-work beers while laughing at the following CASA recommendation they just reported on the evening news: "Don't show your child that it takes a drink to relax."

• Five-million high school students would binge-drink more often, if only their parents had a goddamned social life and would leave the fucking house once in a while.

• 62% of adults will forcibly rip the keys out of a friend's hand to prevent him or her from drinking and driving, unless of course there's no other way home and the trip back "isn't that far".

• 45% of drunks surveyed thought that "CASA" sounded like "NASA", and "Shit, wouldn't it be cool if the Space Shuttle were powered with Jack Daniel's?"

• Alcohol consumption is a leading cause of Columbia researchers' ability to leech off government and industry grant money for several years at a time.

• 74% of alcohol-abstaining prudes who don't work in the advertising industry support restrictions on alcohol advertising.

• 82% of alcohol-abstaining prudes support increasing taxes on alcohol.

• 100% of alcohol-abstaining prudes wouldn't have the balls to voice their support for alcohol restrictions while inside a New York sports bar after a Rangers game.

• 95% of junior high school students surveyed support anti-alcohol education, especially if it means fewer algebra classes and getting a teacher as stupid as that fucking moron who taught Sex Ed.

• Nearly 97% of alcohol abusers are willing to restrict their alcohol consumption only to the days when they feel like drinking.

• Underage drinkers are five times as likely to experiment with harder drugs while under the influence of alcohol, 17 times as likely to make a public display of their own ass, and 23 times as likely to puke on the fat chick giving them a handjob.

• 73% of naked drunks report substantial difficulty in unwrapping a condom.