Vice-Pope and Vatican Spokesman Arnold Epstein said today that the Vatican is officially retiring from the public cloning debate.
The Vatican VP said that cloning's failure to rely on traditional sperm-egg conception has forced officials within the Church to reevaluate their position on the origins of life. The Church has now pulled back its position from "conception" to "ejaculation", the Vatican official said, but added that the Church would go no further to rationalize its dogma.
"We're tired of trying to justify our centuries-old voodoo nonsense for the sake of the advances of modern science," Vice-Pope Epstein said. "So now we're saying that life begins at the moment of orgasm. But that's as far as we'll go, god dammit."
A press statement from the Vatican said that scientists are now "spiritually authorized" to perform experiments on living human cells, as long as no erect penises are involved and the scientist performing the experiment is wearing a white robe and sprinkled with Holy Water. Otherwise, the scientist will burn in Hell for eternity and the resulting human child will be born without a Holy Spirit, Epstein said.
According to the Vatican website, "Without ejaculation, there can be no installation of the Holy Spirit. Life requires a proper upload performed by the correct hardware." It is unknown whether the statement was made by Church officials, or just posted by the Jewish computer geek who maintains the Vatican website.
The Vice-Pope made it clear, however, that "since life begins at ejaculation, a cloned child is technically not alive." Anything created pre-ejaculation, Epstein said, does not exist.
"I would vote for a fetus for president before I voted for a cloned child," the spokespope said, "The fetus could at least be counted on to uphold the rights of the non-living."
It is important to note, the Vatican spokesman added, that the pregnant woman may have to do a little "in utero puppetry", to make the fetus talk while in office.
"It's either that, or she's got to act like she's possessed by Satan and talk in a man's voice. Otherwise, the public just won't buy it that the fetus is actually making presidential decisions," Epstein said.
Vice-Pope Epstein added that he was happy to have the animal-rights group PETA on their side in the issue of experimental cloning. PETA is strongly opposed to so-called "designer pets", such as sneeze-free cats and no-hump dogs. However, the two groups do have their differences, Epstein added.
"PETA believes that sex with a lambskin condom is an act of animal cruelty, while the Church considers it a 'double header' of sex for pleasure and bestiality."
The Vatican official refused to end the interview without the opportunity to repeat a joke he heard around the Holy office.
"What do you get when the Pope has a wet dream?" the Vatican spokesman asked.
I don't know. What do you get when the Pope has a wet dream?
"A papal smear," Epstein replied.
Remember, you heard it here first.
