Great Britain's Humane Society had the arduous task today of shoveling and discarding hundreds of pounds of owl corpses from the house at 4 Privet Drive. The letters, sent via a private postal carrier from an undisclosed location, contained school admissions information, in addition to lethal doses of Anthrax.
It is suspected that the owls which delivered the letters were recruited by Islamic fundamentalist groups to participate in a mass suicide flight. A suicide note, written by one of the birds on the night before the fateful flight, was found in a nest on a Hamburg rooftop. Authorities are investigating the possible involvement of an individual named Hedwig, but sources say most of the note contains nothing more than chicken scratch.
The letters were addressed to Mr. Harry Potter, who resides at 4 Privet Drive along with his deceased mother's sister, Petunia Dursley, her husband Vernon, and their son Dudley.
Vernon Dursley said he was not surprised that the letters were addressed to his nephew. "That boy has always been a problem. I swear the little wanker can talk to snakes," Dursley said.
Mr. Dursley said he and his wife had attempted to impede the delivery of the Anthrax letters, but were unsuccessful when hundreds of owls bombarded their home from above with some 20,000+ letters. It is unclear, however, how the owls were able to aim so many letters directly through the Dursley chimney and mail slot.
CIA spokesmen say a robed man with a long beard was seen on Privet Drive soon before the Anthrax attack. Going by the name of "Dumbledore", the CIA says the man is suspected to be involved with three other terrorist attacks in the last four years, including the embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania, and a car bombing outside a prominent magic wand shop in Diagon Alley, London.
The CIA said they are willing to accept the possibility that Dumbledore was only a decoy in the Anthrax attacks, or even the object of a sophisticated frame-up.
"We suspect that another individual may be involved," a CIA spokesman said. "We have no names yet, but he is oft referred to by the pseudonym 'You-Know-Who'."
Despite difficulties in persuading witnesses to speak, the CIA says they are closer to discovering the true culprit.
"The closer we get, the more Mr. Potter complains about his scar," a CIA spokesman commented.
