After successfully stamping out cloning research, the United Nations Science is Spooky committee has turned its club-wielding fist on the scourge of fire.
Claiming that fire "alters nature at a molecular level," the U.N. committee has issued a warning that fire is "just too scary" for a world still stuck in the middle ages.
"Fire kills," chief fear monger Herman Feinberg said. "And the possible future effects of fire are completely unknown."
Feinberg, himself a fan of charbroiled hamburgers and other cooked food, said he's willing to give up the conveniences made possible by fire if it means "squashing the dreams of scientists to appease a bunch of religious nuts and technology-fearing maniacs."
Feinberg said that until science has developed the technology to predict the future without error, all scientific research must be put on hold.
"We can never know what we do not yet know," Feinberg said, "By the time we know something, we already know it. But what happens until we know it? Who can say what tragedies might occur as a result of our not knowing?"
The U.N. committee argued that any action taken without omniscience implies risk. The only solution, the U.N. said, is to refrain from taking action.
When asked what we should do if a big fucking rhinoceros is charging us at full speed, Feinberg said, "How do you know if there is a rhinoceros? How can you be certain that acting on your assumption will not cause you even greater harm? Perhaps if you jump out of the way of the rhinoceros, you'll jump in front of a big fucking elephant."
"The only thing we can be certain of," the chief fear monger added, "is that we can't be certain of anything."
