A ten-billion-dollar class action suit was filed today by the firm of high-profile attorney Johnny Cochran. The suit, filed on behalf of 34 unproductive black Americans who couldn't play a freaking kazoo, let alone play a blues riff on an instrument with strings, names 150 wealthy Caribbean-born Americans as defendants in the suit.
"My clients are the victims of nothing less than artistic embezzlement", Cochran said. "Without the creative innovation of my clients' forefathers, the defendants in this case could not have prospered from the wealth of their forefathers."
Cochran says that up to ninety-percent of all reggae music claims its influences in blues-based chord progressions. According to Cochran, early reggae musicians quietly confiscated the pilfered progressions and incorporated them into their own "off-beat stoner trash".
"Jah damn him," Harold Marley responded, a descendant of world-famous reggae musician Bob Marley. Marley claims that the profitability of his successful import/export business has no relation to reggae music. He says he's entirely a self-made man, and owes nothing to his ancestors.
"What do Bermuda shorts and hot sauce distribution have to do with Buffalo Soldier and Could You Be Loved?" Marley asked. "I mean, I've got nothing against the music, but give me a business plan over a reggae jam any day."
Cochran says the suit will "even out the score", and help his musically untalented clients "get something for nothing".
"What better way to exploit my fellow black brothers and sisters," Cochran said, "Then to loot these already unpopular Caribbean bastards for everything they're worth."
Marley suggests Cochran's clients "try picking up a broom sometime" and identifying "what it's like to earn a buck instead of crying victim" all day long.
Marley plans to open up a shop in Greenwich Village, New York City that sells nothing but Johnny Cochran caricatures. "Ya, mahn," Marley added.
