The toddler gaming world was stunned today as three-year-old Carla "the Undertaker" Karpov lost in a five-round match of Candy Land to the IBM supercomputer known as Deep Blue.
"This is a sad day for humanity," Karpov's coach and grandmother, mysteriously known only as "Nana", said following the match. "Until now, computers have been excellent tools and sources of entertainment. Now, this match proves that they have the capacity to make little girls cry."
Karpov was seen crying and hugging her mommy after the match, when Deep Blue advanced his gingerbread man to the final space, the Candy Castle.
Coach Nana said she knew Karpov was in trouble when Deep Blue snagged two shortcuts, both the Rainbow Trail and the Gumdrop Pass. "Deep Blue was a ruthless competitor," Nana said. "While Carla got stuck in the Molasses Swamp, I swear I heard giggling."
A spokesman for the IBM T.J. Watson Research Center denies that Deep Blue has any capacity for speech.
"The secret is in the colors," said William R. Pulleyblank, Ph.D., director of Mathematical Sciences at IBM Research. "Deep Blue is capable of advanced color recognition skills, Dr. Pulleyblank said. "And his matching and memory skills - shit, let's not even go there."
Coach Nana hinted that Karpov was planning to master reading next, but today's loss would seriously impede those efforts.
"I don't wanna read!" Karpov said to reporters at this afternoon's press conference.
Spokesmen for IBM said their next goal is to defeat the world's top players in the games of Twister, Chutes and Ladders, Ants in the Pants, and eventually, Hungry Hungry Hippos.
"Our engineering department is working on a robotic arm that is currently able to consume five marbles per millisecond," Dr. Pulleyblank said. "With Deep Blue in control of a hippo, these kids are going to get blasted out of the water. "
As to whether Karpov would accept a rematch with Deep Blue, Karpov said, "They should call him Deep Poo."
Dr. Pulleyblank later retorted, "Sticks and stones may break our bones, but names will never hurt us. And believe me, when you work in computers, you hear them all. That little snot-nosed Karpov is going to have to do a lot better than that to hurt our feelings."
"Besides, she's a dum-dum," Pulleyblank added.
