In an unexpected act of consistency, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) shocked attendants today at the annual meeting of the Human Haters League of America. The PETA petition calls for the construction of high security animal prisons to house the thousands of rights-violating birds, cats, dogs, horses, cows, and other species who have, according to PETA, "gotten off scot-free." That is, until now.
PETA presented their petition just minutes after the Sierra Club recommended the destruction of all manmade forms of shelter to combat "the "frightening decrease in the world's mold populations."
Gasps were heard throughout the auditorium as PETA president Ingrid E. Newkirk made the announcement. Newkirk said "It's about time we stop acting like a bunch of hypocritical fools. For years, we and other animal rights groups have given animals all the advantages of being human, but none of the responsibilities."
|
|
Head Human Hater
|
Ms. Newkirk said that if animals are going to have rights, "then they're going to have to start holding up their end of the bargain." The PETA petition recommends that animals be held up to the same standards of behavior as human beings.
"Today, we're issuing animals a stern warning," Newkirk said, "If you want to be treated like a human being, then you better start acting like one."
Initially, PETA plans to have their Human Haters League petition translated into dog, cat, and bird, with translations for other species to follow.
In accordance with the petition, PETA will be holding a public execution of a squirrel named "Cheeks" next Thursday at PETA headquarters. "We have to set an example," Newkirk said.
Cheeks was caught stealing birdseed last weekend. When a nearby chipmunk named Skippy intervened, apparently to protect the property of his friend Mrs. Bluebird, Cheeks took a nip out of the chipmunk's neck, severing an artery. Paramedics reported that it was too late for them to do anything, as Skippy had lost too much blood by the time they arrived. "Plus, the little bastard kept biting me while I was trying to give him mouth to mouth," ambulance driver Peter Brooks said.
"This is just one example of how our proposal will provide justice among all species," Newkirk said. The PETA petition encourages local goverments to begin converting zoos into prisons as soon as possible.
Cheeks was tried and convicted by a PETA jury on Monday. The squirrel will be put to death by electric cage.
