Sometimes referred to as codename "Ginger", S.H.I.T. is taking the Internet by storm. No one seems to know what S.H.I.T. is, but everybody knows they want it.
First reported early last week, S.H.I.T. has been reported on nearly every major news source, from Reuters and the Associated Press, to the Drudge Report, CNN, Fox News, and all the major television networks.
Jeff Bezos, founder and CEO of Amazon.com, is one of the invention's first investors. Bezos calls S.H.I.T. "a revolution in bathroom technology." Bezos predicts that S.H.I.T. will "change the way bathrooms are built. People will never go to the bathroom the same again."
The inventor of S.H.I.T. is Dean Kamen, millionaire, physicist, and entrepreneur. According to preliminary reports, S.H.I.T. is a derivative of his earlier device which has enabled paralyzed individuals to go to the bathroom on their own. Experts believe that S.H.I.T., which stands for Super-Hydraulic Intake Technology, is a second-generation ass-aid for the handicapped.
"Dean Kamen came to realize that you don't need to be paralyzed from the waste down to take advantage of S.H.I.T.," said Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer. Jobs is one of the few who have insider's knowledge of S.H.I.T.
Dubbed a "bidet of the future", S.H.I.T. promises to reduce humanity's time in the bathroom by up to 90%. Early drawings taken from the U.S. Patent office allegedly depict a woman sitting on a bidet-like device, wearing a seat belt and helmet. Insiders say that S.H.I.T. uses a high-powered hydraulic "pump and blast" system to force waste out of the human ass.
"The pump and blast system is a lot like our own natural human ass muscles," said an associate of Dean Kamen, who preferred to remain anonymous. "The Super-Hydraulic Intake Technology is like giving the average human proverbial buns of steal." So just as the human ass is able to evacuate on a manual basis, S.H.I.T. will not only handle the work, but do it almost 100% better.
Harvard Business School Press has expressed interest in S.H.I.T., and is reportedly paying a $250,000 advance for rights to the Dean Kamen book. "Billions of man-hours will be saved thanks to Dean Kamen," said a publicity agent for the Press. "Just don't try to finish the book in the bathroom. It ain't gonna happen."
