In response to recent controversy surrounding the "thought gap" among the nation's poor, Democrats have proposed a new "managed thinking" program to be instituted over the next five years. With funding of over $4 trillion per year, the managed thinking program will supply those without access to abstract thought with personal "thought workers".
"There is an unfair distribution of thought in this country," said House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt (D-MO), one of the program's proponents. "It's about time we permit the mentally unendowed to reap the rewards of thought."
Gephardt said the real problem among the nation's poor is not the "digital divide", the term so many of his colleagues in Congress use to describe the lack of Internet access among many of the nation's poor. "The real problem is conceptual cleavage."
"Some people have no more between their ears", Gephardt said, "than most women have between their breasts."
Republicans were swayed to back the plan after Democrats started using catch phrases like "I feel the need, the need for pure and perfect competition." According to some sources, many Republicans were even stupid enough to swallow concepts like "thought monopolies", which Democrats say allegedly exist among the nation's leading intellectuals.
"How can a stupid, non-thinking moron compete in a culture that favors the thought-endowed?" said Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT). "It's our duty as citizens to help the pathetically simple-minded fools of this nation rise above the quicksand of intellectual inferiority and compete with those fortunate individuals who have chosen to think."
A small opposition to the managed thinking program has claimed that some "thought-abled" individuals will take advantage of the potential for thought worker access.
"We have the loopholes covered," Thomas Daschle (D-SD), another of the program's supporters said. "There will be no freeloading here." Daschle was referring to the Thought Deprivation Assessment Tests, which all of the program's participants will be required to take on a monthly basis.
"Only the truly thought deprived will be permitted access to a personal thought worker," Daschle said. "Christ, if you're even so much as daydreaming, you ain't going to pass this test." The assessment tests will prove conclusively, Daschle said, that "you are one stupid motherfucker" before a thought worker will be assigned to your case.
According to program literature, thought workers will "think" for the mentally deprived individual, aiding in such decisions as "should I get up this morning?" and "why is my boss such an asshole?" It is expected that a thought worker shortage will emerge as thought workers themselves begin to claim thought deprivation.
"We will have whole armies of thought workers assigned to thought workers assigned to thought workers," said House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt. "No one in this country will again be burdened with the need for self-actuated thought."
Nothing can help level out the intellectual playing field, Gephardt said, more than "proverbial brain transplants". "To borrow a phrase from one our nation's great civil rights organizations," Gephardt added, "Other people's minds are a terrible thing to waste."
