In the latest issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association, a University of Chicago study has established a conclusive link between colon cancer and Xeroxing one's ass. Hot on the heels of the study follows the $30 million civil suit award by a Florida jury to the family of Floridian Barry Lesky, office prankster and renowned buttocks photocopier who died of colon cancer in late 1996.
In response to the findings and legal rulings surrounding their products, major manufacturers of photocopy machines are scheduled to testify before Congress later this week to ascertain whether or not they knew their office equipment to possess such butt-zapping power. "It is our position," said a spokesman for the Xerox corporation on Tuesday, "That buttocks photoreplication poses no statistical risk of harm to the participant, save the potential embarrassment of having your pasty flat hams posted on the office bulletin board for all to jeer at."
Thus far, public response has been strongly in favor of photocopy regulation. The Surgeon General has mandated the application of cautionary labels on all photocopy machines that explicitly warn against the risky behavior. Said one concerned father, "If consenting adults want to throw away their health and their money on a dangerous practice like ass copying, that's their business. But for God's sake let's educate our children about photocopy safety and protect them from these merchants of death."
