CHICAGO, IL - In a landmark decision handed down by the Illinois Supreme Court yesterday, popular talk-show host Oprah Winfrey won another legal victory in her ongoing war to control every aspect of her Harpo Productions employees' lives.
Said a spokesman for Winfrey, "In accordance with the ruling of the courts, all employees of Harpo Productions will be required to submit to rigorous psychological interrogation twice weekly in order to make sure that they are all thinking nice, Oprah-approved thoughts. These include thinking about which Oprah-sanctioned book to buy, purchasing the new Oprah Magazine, yo-yo dieting, and killing Martha Stewart, Oprah's arch-nemesis. When not explicitly thinking these thoughts, employees are required to chant, 'You go girl!' at all times. Any employees discovered to be thinking on their own will be administered electro-shocks from a sub-dermal implant behind the ear."
The spokesperson then stiffened suddenly as an electric current zapped through her, causing her to intone ominously, "All hail Oprah!"
Oprah declined to talk to reporters personally, choosing instead to broadcast her response to the legal ruling via gigantic hologram from deep within her hidden volcano fortress. "Fools!" Winfrey's enormously magnified visage cackled on TV's everywhere, "Kneel before Oprah!"
The news has been greeted with much happiness by Oprah's estimated 35 million viewers. One such fan, housewife Carly Tucker of Kenosha WI, commented, arms stretched out in front of her, "Must...obey...Oprah!"
