With a rare majority vote among both Democrats and Republicans, Congress today passed the Cheerios Breakfast Welfare Program. The program's defenders hope it will "help end laziness among the nation's poor".
Under the rules of the new welfare program, 2500 new cereal kitchens will be opened throughout the country, with one central purpose: to dispense Cheerios and milk, widely known as "part of a well-balanced breakfast".
"If you're ever seen the old Cheerios commercial, you'll know where we're coming from," the spokesman for the Cheerios Breakfast Committee said. "Lazy poor people are remarkably similar to cars that run out of gas. Our goal is to pump the poor with Cheerios and provide that much-needed electric shock to their lazy asses."
The last point of debate before the program was enacted into law was the problem of what to do about poor people who don't like Cheerios.
"We finally agreed to allow a free substitution of a handful of healthful alternatives," the spokesman said. Acceptable substitutions will include: filet mignon, lobster, or the wallet of someone with fewer than 15 kids and who actually works for a living.
