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Never Before Seen Historical Correspondence
August 2000
by Hezekiah Tee Smith-Jones III
An Oasis
Palestine
6,000 B.C.
Dear Father:
I am in a Recovery Program for adults who were abused as children. In order
to reach maximum benefit of the program, I am to tell you what I thought of
our trip to the mount way back then, when I was a little boy. You
remember...when you were going to sacrifice me.
Well, Dad... fuck you.
Isaac
Upon the Nile
Egypt
4500 B.C.
My Loving Pharaohess:
Moses has become such an insufferable little shit that I have finally
consented to letting he and his cousins' leave. They want to go to Israel,
about a fortnight's journey. I cannot imagine him taking less that, say, 40
days to get there, but after that frog trick of his last week, I say the
sooner he leaves, the better.
Your Loving God,
Pharaoh
Athens, Greece
2500 B.C.
Dearest Socrates:
Your Allegory of the Cave manuscript is received. Speaking quite frankly, I
think it is a load of horseshit. You claim to have proved the existence of a
'spirit' or 'soul,' but your argument presupposes the existence of a cave, of
chained beings, of beings capable of casting a shadow and, lastly, of fire.
Well, duh! Anyone can prove anything with such critical assumptions already
provided.
You arrogant prick.
Yours,
Aristotle
Jerusalem
35 A.D.
Dearest Mother:
I accept completely the reality that parents tend to favor the first-born,
but you went way beyond that with Jesus. You had four other sons' whom you
never showed the love and affection that you showed our oldest brother.
Love,
James.
Jerusalem
5 A.D.
My Son James,
We always had plenty of food to eat when Jesus was home. Wine, too. What
the hell did you and your brothers offer?
Do a 12 Step!
Your mother,
Mary
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