Good evening.

Good riddance.

Just moments ago, I spoke with George W. Bush and congratulated him on becoming the 43rd president of the United States, and I promised him that I wouldn't call him back this time.

Just moments ago, George W. Bush called to congratulate me on becoming the 1st Fuhrer-elect of the former United States of America, and I promised him that I would move to eviscerate our Constitution faster than Lorena Bobbitt emasculated her former husband.

I offered to meet with him as soon as possible so that we can start to heal the divisions of the campaign and the contest through which we just passed.

I offered to meet with him as soon as possible, so that, by working together with that great healer of healers, the Rev. Al Sharpton, we can start to heal the paranoid delusions of grandeur that I am still experiencing at this very moment.

Almost a century and a half ago, Senator Stephen Douglas told Abraham Lincoln, who had just defeated him for the presidency, "Partisan feeling must yield to patriotism. I'm with you, Mr. President, and God bless you."

Almost two centuries ago, Aaron Burr was killed in a duel. Today, the time for vengeance is nigh. Fidel Castro said to his comrade Che Guevera, 'Partisan feeling must yield to the expropriation of all private property, for the true patriot is he who sells his soul to me. I'm with you, Mr. Bush, and may Faust bless you.'

Well, in that same spirit, I say to President-elect Bush that what remains of partisan rancor must now be put aside, and may God bless his stewardship of this country.

Well, in that same spirit, I say to Mr. Bush that what remains of partisan rancor must yield to these fundamental truths: that no man is greater than Jesse Jackson and that no woman has a moral stature surpassing that of Hillary Clinton and that no person could ever reach the apotheosis of anti-racism present every waking minute in Representative Maxine Waters and that no man would ever want to have sex with Tipper, not even Bill Clinton. May God bless Mr. Bush's life in the same way that Neptune blessed Caligula's.

Neither he nor I anticipated this long and difficult road. Certainly neither of us wanted it to happen. Yet it came, and now it has ended, resolved, as it must be resolved, through the honored institutions of our democracy.

Neither I nor I anticipated that I would lose, or that the votes would somehow, in hope against hope, be counted only once. Certainly neither I nor I wanted it to happen. Yet I came, and now I have detumesced, and resolved, as It must be resolved, through the honored institutions of mob rule.

Over the library of one of our great law schools is inscribed the motto, "Not under man but under God and law." That's the ruling principle of American freedom, the source of our democratic liberties. I've tried to make it my guide throughout this contest as it has guided America's deliberations of all the complex issues of the past five weeks.

Over the library of one of our great law schools is inscribed the motto, 'Let's kill all the lawyers.' That's the ruling principle of American freedom, and the source of our democratic liberties. I have done all I can to throw the members of ATLA a life raft, and I've tried to make that raft my guide throughout this contest as it has guided the Gross Domestic Product of America's attorneys during the past 36 days.

Now the U.S. Supreme Court has spoken. Let there be no doubt, while I strongly disagree with the court's decision, I accept it. I accept the finality of this outcome which will be ratified next Monday in the Electoral College. And tonight, for the sake of our unity of the people and the strength of our democracy, I offer my concession.

Now the U.S. Supreme Court has spoken. Let there be no doubt that if Meyer Lansky were alive today, all of the members thereof would be in a radically different state of existence. I accept it. I accept the finality of life or death, and especially of death for my lifesworn enemies. And tonight, for the sake of our unity of the people and the strength of our mobocracy, I offer to myself this Churchillian concession: Never give up. Never give up. Never, ever, give up. Therefore, effective immediately - and I know this from my just having spoken with President Clinton -- the Supreme Court of the United States of America is hereby disbanded, except for Justice Ginsburg, whose unswerving commitment to arbitrary whim has made her the only remaining Justice worthy of continued service to our great country and, more importantly, to me.

I also accept my responsibility, which I will discharge unconditionally, to honor the new president elect and do everything possible to help him bring Americans together in fulfillment of the great vision that our Declaration of Independence defines and that our Constitution affirms and defends.

I also accept my responsibility, which I will discharge unconditionally, to honor myself and to do everything possible to help me bring demagogues together in fulfillment of the great vision that our Declaration of Independence defines and that our Constitution affirms and defends - never to surrender a practicality for a principle.

Let me say how grateful I am to all those who supported me and supported the cause for which we have fought. Tipper and I feel a deep gratitude to Joe and Hadassah Lieberman who brought passion and high purpose to our partnership and opened new doors, not just for our campaign but for our country.

Let me say how grateful I am to myself and, secondarily, to all those who supported my Jihad for which we have fought. Tipper and I feel a deep gratitude to Joe and Hadassah Lieberman who brought passion and high religious zealotry and intolerance to our partnership, and who closed doors everywhere for everyone, not just for our country but for Hollywood, one city indivisible with liberty and justice for all (mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa Barbra Streisand, Ed Asner, Jon Bon Jovi, and more).

This has been an extraordinary election. But in one of God's unforeseen paths, this belatedly broken impasse can point us all to a new common ground, for its very closeness can serve to remind us that we are one people with a shared history and a shared destiny.

This has been an extraordinary farce. But in one of God's unforeseen paths, this belatedly broken impasse can point us all to a new killing field, for its very closeness can serve to remind us that we are one people, with one mind, with one purpose - i.e., we are the Borg!

Indeed, that history gives us many examples of contests as hotly debated, as fiercely fought, with their own challenges to the popular will.

Indeed, that history gives us many examples of contests as hotly debated, as fiercely fought, with their own challenges to the popular will - Robbespierre, Pol Pot, Mao, and others come to mind immediately, in fact.

Other disputes have dragged on for weeks before reaching resolution. And each time, both the victor and the vanquished have accepted the result peacefully and in the spirit of reconciliation.

Other disputes have dragged on for weeks before mayhem arose. With the Rev. Jackson's aid and succor, mayhem should spontaneously arise from the collective wisdom of all tax-exempt churches that advocate liberation theology. All other churches and their Republican and libertarian parishioners will be burned to the ground in the spirit of conciliation.

So let it be with us.

Vote for me in 2004, so that I may be with you.

I know that many of my supporters are disappointed. I am too. But our disappointment must be overcome by our love of country.

I know that many of my supporters wish to commit spontaneous acts of violence against innocent, hard-working Americans unlike themselves. I do, too. But I counsel patience. Rome was not built in 100 days, although FDR almost packed the Supreme Court in 100 days! So, not too much patience. Thus, thereunto must our disappointment be overcome by our love of mediocrity, indolence, envy, and collectivism.

And I say to our fellow members of the world community, let no one see this contest as a sign of American weakness. The strength of American democracy is shown most clearly through the difficulties it can overcome.

And I say to our fellow members of the One-World Government Community: let no one see this contest as a sign of American weakness. On the contrary, it is a sign of Republican weakness, and Democratic strength. This strength will be shown most clearly through the difficulties we will overcome. As a favorite Buddhist nun of mine (who had taken a vow of poverty) used to say, "Laundered money conquers all."

Some have expressed concern that the unusual nature of this election might hamper the next president in the conduct of his office. I do not believe it need be so.

Some have expressed concern that the unusual nature of this election might hamper the next president in the conduct of his office. I do not believe it need be so, if that next president be I.

President-elect Bush inherits a nation whose citizens will be ready to assist him in the conduct of his large responsibilities.

President-elect Bush inherits a nation whose citizens will be ready to frame him upon the insinuations and instigations of demagogues. And there are no finer ways in this great nation of ours for us to assist him in the conduct of his large responsibilities, such as raising taxes and expanding governmental offices.

I personally will be at his disposal, and I call on all Americans -- I particularly urge all who stood with us to unite behind our next president. This is America. Just as we fight hard when the stakes are high, we close ranks and come together when the contest is done.

I personally will be at my disposal, and I call on all Americans - I particularly urge all who stood with me to unite behind me. This is Amerika. Just as we fight hard when the stakes are high, we close ranks and fight even dirtier when the contest is ostensibly done.

And while there will be time enough to debate our continuing differences, now is the time to recognize that that which unites us is greater than that which divides us.

And while there will be time, indeed there will be time - time enough to debate our continuing differences, to threaten and riot in the streets, now is the time to recognize that that which unites us - most people's complete lack of class and dignity - is greater than that which divides us (merit vs. mediocrity).

While we yet hold and do not yield our opposing beliefs, there is a higher duty than the one we owe to political party. This is America and we put country before party. We will stand together behind our new president.

While we yet hold and do not yield our opposing beliefs - ever - unless it is politically expedient, or unless my good friends in Chicago order me to, there is a higher duty than the one we owe to our Constitution. I speak here of our sacred duty to our political party. This is Amerika and we put party before country and Fidel Castro before party. We will stand together, therefore, to ensure that all over this globally warming planet, every father and son will be reunited before the oceans boil away and we all... DIE, DIE, DIE REPUBLICAN BASTARDS. But I digress...

As for what I'll do next, I don't know the answer to that one yet. Like many of you, I'm looking forward to spending the holidays with family and old friends. I know I'll spend time in Tennessee and mend some fences, literally and figuratively.

As for what I'll do next, I don't know the answer to that one yet. I must be candid here, and I call on Almighty God to render unto me, just for this one moment, His gift of sanity. You see, y'all have always paid me. I have never had a job in the private sector (I don't count my being a slumlord in Tennessee). I don't believe in the private sector. So, while like many of you, I'm looking forward to spending the holidays with family and myself, I know I'll spend time in Tennessee righting the wrongs inflicted on me there. I pledge to you, I pledge to every cold-blooded American, that the final results will show that I carried Tennessee, because we all know that it is a logical impossibility that I did not. I know this because I found it on the Internet, and not one of you would argue that I know about the Internet.

Some have asked whether I have any regrets and I do have one regret: that I didn't get the chance to stay and fight for the American people over the next four years, especially for those who need burdens lifted and barriers removed, especially for those who feel their voices have not been heard. I heard you and I will not forget.

Some have asked whether I have any regrets. I have none. I know that I am your true President, and I am not going to let some stupid Supreme Court ruling stop me from fighting for the American people over these next four years. Mr. Bush may think he is moving into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue on January 20, and perhaps he shall. But I have a guaranteed, 4-year reservation in the Lincoln bedroom. And the ghost of Lincoln's be willing, I shall fight to have all guns removed from theatres across this great country of ours. I shall fight for those who need burdens lifted and barriers removed - especially the burden of being responsible for one's own self-defense. If your voice has not been heard yet, trust me that I am hearing it in my head now, and that I shall continue to do so day and day after day after day... I hear you and I will not forget.

I've seen America in this campaign and I like what I see. It's worth fighting for and that's a fight I'll never stop.

I've seen myself in this campaign and I like what I see. I am worth fighting for, and that's a fight I'll never stop.

As for the battle that ends tonight, I do believe as my father once said, that no matter how hard the loss, defeat might serve as well as victory to shape the soul and let the glory out.

As for the battle that ends tonight, I do believe as my father and Armand Hammer once said, that no matter how important the principle, there is always a potentate to whom one can sell one's soul; that no matter how hard the loss, defeat might serve better than victory to set the stage for ultimate power, for the glory of the Nation, for the will of the people, for the destruction of the Ubermensch and the elevation of the disenfranchised and the proletariat.

So for me this campaign ends as it began: with the love of Tipper and our family; with faith in God and in the country I have been so proud to serve, from Vietnam to the vice presidency; and with gratitude to our truly tireless campaign staff and volunteers, including all those who worked so hard in Florida for the last 36 days.

So for me, this campaign ends as it began: with a desire for greater power over the lives of ordinary Americans, with the love of Tipper and my family; with faith in Faust and in the country I have been so proud to have received paychecks from, from Vietnam, where I suffered the ignominious fate of breaking the lead in my pencils as a reporter, just as I was writing about the heroics of men who had had their limbs and genitalia blown to bits... to the vice presidency, where I lay like a scion in waiting, only to be disenfranchised by King Lear Clinton who made me lose Arkansas; and with gratitude to my tireless self and to my self, including all those times I worked so hard in Florida for the last 666 days.

Now the political struggle is over and we turn again to the unending struggle for the common good of all Americans and for those multitudes around the world who look to us for leadership in the cause of freedom.

Now the legal struggle is over and the political struggle begins anew. We turn again to the unending struggle for the common good of all Americans, to ensuring equality of results, to beatifying the lowest common denominator among those multitudes around the world who look to us for sycophancy and redaction of principle in the absence of a controlling legal authority. I submit to you that such is the situation with which we are confronted today.

In the words of our great hymn, "America, America": "Let us crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea."

In the words of our great hymn, "Alice's Restaurant": "And I went up there, I said, 'Shrink, I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and [G]ore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill, KILL, KILL.' And I started jumpin up and down yelling, 'KILL, KILL,' and he started jumpin up and down with me and we was both jumping up and down yelling, 'KILL, KILL.' And the sergeant came over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said, 'You're our boy.'"

And now, my friends, in a phrase I once addressed to others, it's time for me to go.

And now, my friends, in a phrase I once addressed to others, it's time for you traitorous voters to all go to Hell. Cerberus and Hillary will be waiting for you.

Thank you and good night, and God bless America.

Thank you and good riddance, and God bless Al Gore.

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