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| Concession: |
What Gore Said |
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What Gore Really Meant |
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by Steven Mason
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Good evening.
Good riddance.
Just moments ago, I spoke with George W. Bush and congratulated him on becoming the 43rd president of the United States, and I promised him that I wouldn't call him back this time.
Just moments ago, George W. Bush called to congratulate me on becoming the 1st Fuhrer-elect of the former United States of America, and I promised him that I would move to eviscerate our Constitution faster than Lorena Bobbitt emasculated her former husband.
I offered to meet with him as soon as possible so that we can start to heal the divisions of the campaign and the contest through which we just passed.
I offered to meet with him as soon as possible, so that, by working together with that great healer of healers, the Rev. Al Sharpton, we can start to heal the paranoid delusions of grandeur that I am still experiencing at this very moment.
Almost a century and a half ago, Senator Stephen Douglas told Abraham Lincoln, who had just defeated him for the presidency, "Partisan feeling must yield to patriotism. I'm with you, Mr. President, and God bless you."
Almost two centuries ago, Aaron Burr was killed in a duel. Today, the time for vengeance is nigh. Fidel Castro said to his comrade Che Guevera, 'Partisan feeling must yield to the expropriation of all private property, for the true patriot is he who sells his soul to me. I'm with you, Mr. Bush, and may Faust bless you.'
Well, in that same spirit, I say to President-elect Bush that what remains of partisan rancor must now be put aside, and may God bless his stewardship of this country.
Well, in that same spirit, I say to Mr. Bush that what remains of partisan rancor must yield to these fundamental truths: that no man is greater than Jesse Jackson and that no woman has a moral stature surpassing that of Hillary Clinton and that no person could ever reach the apotheosis of anti-racism present every waking minute in Representative Maxine Waters and that no man would ever want to have sex with Tipper, not even Bill Clinton. May God bless Mr. Bush's life in the same way that Neptune blessed Caligula's.
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