STH Newsletter

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The McCain-Feingold Medical Research Finance Reform Act

by Steven Mason

In order to protect Americans from the corrupting, life-threatening effect of virulent diseases, Senators John McCain and Russ Feingold are proud to announce that they have applied the principles of their model campaign finance reform bill to the arena of public health.

The New York Times calls their proposal, "ingeniously breathtaking in its scope [and] ... the dawn of a new synthesis of democracy and freedom."

Herewith, the key points of their proposal:

• Soft Money Ban: Until now, medical fundraisers have been able to flummox the public through solicitations for, e.g., "cancer research," mental health research," or "heart disease research."

  Little does this unsuspecting public know that the monies they contribute to fight against "cancer" are actually used for research into specific cancers such as retinoblastoma or chronic myelogenous leukemia; that monies for mental health research are applied to a litany of psychiatric conditions, such as Munchausen's syndrome by proxy, hebephrenic schizophrenia, or dissociative identity disorder; or that monies for heart disease research are applied to conditions such as congestive heart failure or acute myocardial infarctions.

  To correct these appalling abuses of the public trust, all future solicitations and donations shall be made for specific conditions, such as those outlined above. Solicitations and donations for general health matters will be prohibited and subject to fines not to exceed $100,000 per occurrence. Any and all monies collected from fines levied shall be deposited into the general trust fund for Medicare.

• New Disease Ban: Once a new disease or condition has been announced to the general public, no funds may be solicited, or donations accepted, for same until sixty (60) days subsequent to the announcement, or 1,000,000 deaths, whichever occurs later. This will prevent the public from being manipulated by profiteers and hoax perpetrators seeking to take advantage of the public's compassion about hundreds of thousands of people (apparently) dying from Ebola-like viruses that may be claimed to have appeared without warning. The McCain-Feingold bill supports a civilized discourse, not a rush to judgment on the merits or demerits of any particular pathogen.

• Medical Professionals' Ban: Because they are interested parties, no medical professionals, including physicians, academic researchers, and corporate scientists, may commit any personal monies to any medical cause. Only disinterested parties, such as people who believe that they can "catch" HIV by donating blood or sitting on public toilet seats, will be permitted to contribute to medically charitable causes.

• Non-Discrimination Provision: No one person may contribute to the fight against any one disease more than one time per year, nor in an amount exceeding $2,000. Any additional contributions by that person within that year must be to fight against another disease or diseases.

• American Disease Protection Provision: Recognizing the uniquely American character and nature of diseases and pathogens privileged to be present within our borders, the McCain-Feingold bill strictly prohibits the solicitation or collection of any monies from foreign nationals or governments. We believe that American diseases should and must be fought with American dollars. We will not kowtow to foreign interests seeking to manipulate American pathogens and prions.

• Congressional Regulation of Diseases: Recognizing that the foregoing provisions may be insufficient to protect American interests and the purity of American medical research, Congress reserves and delegates to itself the right to mandate or ban any particular disease within the borders of the Nation.