"God dammit," the wolf said. "What kind of lock do you have on this thing?"
"A Lockman 3400, straight from the factory," the pig said from the other side of the door.
The wolf huffed. "What difference does it make if the lock just came from the factory? Your explanation fails to survive the deadly grasp of the iron claws of logic."
The wolf was beginning to think that his mental victory over the pig was an adequate substitute for getting inside the pig's house and eating him. *
Quickly, the wolf reminded himself that any psychological impairment borne by the pig as a result of the wolf's immutable refutations would hardly diminish his pangs of hunger. (The wolf remembered the question his therapist had suggested to him: "Yes, but does it put food on the table?")
The pig, fully aware of the wolf's pending arrest warrant for the crime of breaking and entering, declined to open the door.
Desperate times requiring desperate measures, the wolf considered another means of entering the pig's house.
"Should I go with Plan B," the wolf asked himself aloud, "or Plan C?"
"What are Plans B and C?" the pig asked.
The wolf turned and looked at the pig's door and wrinkled his eyes. "Was I talking to you?" the wolf growled.
"I don't know," the pig replied. "Whereas one might say that the door separating us precludes the two of us from having a conversation in which one of the participants utters sentences under his breath, and though I readily admit that you would have a reasonable argument for that position, I am prepared to defend, and if necessary to die for, my position that our close proximity nullifies any possibility of one participant talking to himself. Therefore, my position is that any words uttered aloud by either party are well within the bounds of conversation, even if the opposite party is not addressed by name, and further, even if the opposite party is unfamiliar with the subject under "discussion"."
"Aha!" the wolf said. "Notice that you put the word "discussion" in quotes. Those quotes signify that the subject of your discourse was not, in fact, a "discussion". Therefore, I believe you are conceding my position, which is that my consideration of said plans B and C was an internal mental dialogue simply taking place in public."
"By the way," the pig said, "Are you trying to tell me that Plan A was just to ask if I'd let you into my house? What kind of plan was that?"
The wolf shook his head slowly before answering. "Alright, alright. Let's not get too literal. When I said "Plan B" (and remember, those words** weren't intended for public consumption), sure, I meant a plan. But really, "Plan B" was the real plan, and my original intended action ("Plan A", if you will) was more of an "intention" rather than a "plan"."
"So," the pig squealed back.*** "It must be your thesis that an "intention" should not be judged with the same, higher standards conventionally applied to a "plan"?"
"Exactly," the wolf said.
And, with that****, the wolf smiled contently and walked back to his car.
Footnotes
* In this fictional world into which we have together delved, animals can talk, pigs live in houses, and a vast array of magical surprises are in store for us. In other words, there is reason to suspect that the two species of animals inhabit, at minimum, a rudimentary civilization of some sort. Why then, must the wolf eat the pig? Isn't it possible that the pig has a refrigerator inside his house, and therefore that refrigerator-access is also possible to the wolf as well? Alternatively, couldn't the pig take something out of his refrigerator and toss it out the window to the wolf, satisfying the wolf's proverbial "appetite for destruction"? Perhaps, but that is why we have the concept of "suspension of disbelief". This footnote is here to aid you in the process of suspending your disbelief. It is the author's hope that you will not dwell on such internal contradictions as the aforementioned. If it is easier to grasp the fundamental ethical lessons contained in this story by imagining the animals as human beings dressed as animals, living in a world that contains houses and locks that are built in factories, but without refrigerators, please do so. The author, or artist if you will, is a strong proponent of art as an interactive process, in which the viewer or reader adds to, and thus helps to create, the object itself that we call "art". Please keep in mind, however, that the resulting artwork is fully copyrighted by the author, including all unique thoughts stemming from the reading of this story. Unless the defendant (i.e., you, the reader) can prove in a court of law that all future thought is in no way derived from thoughts stemming from the reading of this story, the defendant will agree to surrender all property to the author as payment for the heinous intellectual theft perpetrated against the author. The reader hereby agrees, by reading this story, that the preceding conditions are fully understood, and cannot claim ignorance at the time when the author is seizing the property of the reader. While the author is removing said property, the author requests that a glass of lemonade be made available. What better time for an act of courtesy, than at the lowest moment of a man's existence? Back to top
** Since only "bee", and not "B" is an actual word, the word "words" is not strictly accurate in this context. However, it could be argued that the context is vague enough that the word "words" applies not just to "Plan B", but also the other words uttered by the wolf, before, after, and betwixt "Plan B" and "Plan C". Back to top
*** The author would like to point out that although the word "squealed" may seem hackneyed in a story about pigs, it is necessary that the pig do something pig-like to reinforce his pigness. Back to top
**** In the past, the phrase "with that" was frowned upon for earning the rare dishonor of being both vague and redundant. In this story, however, the author uses the phrase satirically and ironically, thereby inverting the usual connotation of the phrase and making the reader feel inadequate and undereducated. Nothing is what it seems and everything is what it is not. It's a post post post post-modern world! Back to top
