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New Shows That Take Reality TV to the Next Level
by Jason Roth
- Degradathon
Comedian Jeffrey Ross hosts this new show from the creator of The World's Biggest Asshole Competition. Contestants lick toilet bowls, have sexual intercourse with kitchen appliances in public, and eat live reptiles for a chance to compete in next week's episode of Degradathon. Can anyone beat the current record of eight straight episodes?
- The Next Big Emergency Room Impersonator
Can an accounting clerk from Jersey City save a fourteen-year-old fireworks accident victim and pass himself off as an actual emergency room physician? Can a secretary from Sacramento remove a woman's defective breast implant before it bursts? Or will they botch the surgery and get voted off?
Tune in Wednesday, when twenty-five men and women face off in the ultimate battle of good looks and phoniness versus intellect and professional competence. Judges include retired Surgeon General Dr. C. Everett Koop and 80s singing sensation Cyndi Lauper.
- Butt-Ugly Bob
Sixteen hideous men vie for the love of a blind woman. Five episodes into the season, the woman reveals her secret: orgasms aren't the only thing she fakes. Unfortunately, she really does have terminal foot rot. Can the ugly men look past her deformity and find love? Or are the stupid, ugly fucks just as superficial as she is?
- For Love or Gas Chambers?
Will seventeen beautiful women choose love, or will they gas the hunk and take his money? Hilarity ensues when one woman after another breaks down in a futile attempt to take back her decision, after a paid actor feigns his death in a glass-enclosed steam room. Afterwards, the women must face their families to explain why they chose to execute an innocent man for his money. And don't miss the surprise twist! We don't want to give it away, but let's just say that nobody has ever authored a consent form like the one we used on this show.
- Reality TV the Show
How does a reality TV show make it to the air? Find out in this show about the making of itself. From the very first meeting between network executives and producers to discuss just how stupid American TV audiences are, to the final shot of two cameras filming each other, you'll get a behind-the-scenes look at all the drama that goes into a behind-the-scenes look at all the drama that goes into a behind-the-scenes look at... well, you get the point.
- Whose Funeral Is It, Anyway?
Candid Camera meets Six Feet Under in this wacky new show from the Lifetime network. The stars of the show are everyday funeral attendees, who get a little more than they bargained for on a day that ordinarily would just be the saddest event of their lives. Thanks to the consent of and secret participation by a friend or family member, cameras are hidden throughout a funeral home on the day before an actual funeral.
When the funeral starts, the real fun begins!
- See a ninety-year-old widow discover her husband's empty coffin. Hear the funeral home manager claim the body was "mistakenly" cremated, then offer to supply a "replacement" body. The old lady's tears will have you in stitches!
- An actress hired to play the part of a dead man's mistress makes a surprise appearance at the altar. Shockingly, she publicly thanks the man's only son for never telling his surviving wife about their 25-year long affair. Fortunately for our actress, we gave her a bullet-proof vest to wear under her black dress prior to taping.
- Things really heat up when a family finds the head of their grandmother's corpse facing the wrong direction! When a janitor flips the head around, the family discovers the nose has been replaced with a carrot, and the woman's eyes with buttons! As if things can't get any funnier, just wait until a fat man dressed up as a zombie jumps up from behind the flowers and starts singing Frosty the Snowman.
After watching an episode of Whose Funeral Is It, Anyway?, you'll never experience a funeral the same way again.
- Who Wants to Be a Million-Dollar Whore-Slave?
Is there anything women won't do for money? Maybe, but not on this show. In order to advance to the next round, each woman must pass a series of "love tests", such as being chained naked to a dungeon wall for seven days straight while being repeatedly sodomized by midgets, or closed-cage brass-knuckle death matches. The woman proving herself to be the biggest whore-slave will win a one-million-dollar certificate, redeemable at the nation's largest S&M paraphernalia supply chain.
- Miss America the Big Phony Spoof
Forty-nine actresses and one unwitting, waiver-signing bimbo "compete" in a phony version of the Miss America pageant. First, humiliating events are staged, such as the torturing of the black Miss Georgia, in which the stupid bimbo is pressured to kick the black actress in the stomach while the forty-eight other "contestants" cheer and chant racist slogans in a slumber party gone horribly wrong. Then, after the bimbo makes it through to the final round, the judges surprise her with a video of her kicking Miss Georgia and screaming "Die, you black twat!". Don't miss the finale, when a SWAT team crashes through the ceiling, arrests her, and hauls her off to a holding cell in studio B.
- Inmates
Participants try to find love in federal prison. Contestants are handcuffed to a contestant of the opposite sex for six weeks. Will they fall in love or drive each other batty? Be sure to check out the shower scene. Ours makes the one from Psycho look like a child's fairy tale.
- Wild and Crazy Sex Changes
Men become women and women become men in this new show that nips and tucks like never before seen on TV! Only individuals who fail our rigorous psychological testing are permitted the opportunity to make the life-altering decision. After surgery, amusing "Twilight Zone"-like circumstances are enacted for the purposes of opening the windows to the souls of these poor slobs. One man/woman can hardly believe his/her eyes when everyone he/she knows visits him/her at the hospital dressed up as a transvestite. This episode, "It's a Mixed-Up World", has already been nominated for best cinematography in a reality-psychological thriller-erotica-sci-fi-comedy-hidden-camera show.
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