The cycle continues. Hollywood runs out of ideas, the studio lawyers can't finish negotiating the rights for the next remake of some twenty-year old TV series, so it must mean only one thing. It's time for another retard movie.
This time, the movie starts Cuba Gooding Jr., probably the most overrated piece of walking mediocrity since Ice Cube. After Boyz N the Hood, Cube and Cuba parted ways to focus on their respective talents. Cube opted for the more visceral acting roles, concentrating on such acting feats as the "Oh shit!" look (often seen when getting eaten by a big fucking snake) and the patented "Life sucks, even after you've become a millionaire for reciting ghetto poetry over a drum machine" look (in all his other movies).
Cuba, on the other hand, went the P.C. route. Radio makes it a major P.C. triumvirate, with Judgment Night and Men of Honor being the first two films to show us how to feel compassion for the oppressed while driving a Winebago into the projects, wearing a metal underwater diving suit and walking around a courtroom while simultaneously trying to nail the coffin on Robert De Niro's career, or, as in the case of Radio, wearing a pair of fake teeth you'd find with a budget Halloween costume and shouting cute but retarded comments that have a way of inspiring all the non-retarded people. Which, of course, begs the question: Is everyone in this fucking movie retarded?
Cuba Gooding Jr. has made a career of picking the worst possible movies, with the rare exception of A Few Good Men, just to see whether anyone will actually hire him again. And for some reason, they do. My guess is that the moment Gooding was offered the paycheck for Radio, he screamed:
"Show me the retard! Show me the retard!"
Why is it every Hollywood actor's dream to play someone without a brain or a limb? Screw Freddy vs. Jason. I want to see Radio vs. I am Sam. Put those two goofy bastards in a cage and don't let 'em out until only one's left drooling. May the best retard win.
All I saw (and all I want to see) is the preview of Radio, and I was embarrassed enough for humanity. Seeing a mentally unchallenged guy act like a retarded guy who can't help but give it the old special-ed college try every single time he moves a muscle makes me sick. If a retarded man can actually inspire someone, and yes, I'm admitting that it's possible, that must mean there can be something remotely human about him. If all he does is walk around smiling, playing catch with himself in the rain, and screaming out correct answers in history class (where football coach Ed Harris conveniently teaches), then why the hell should I be inspired? This sounds more like a robot than a human being. (A robot with a Timex Sinclair for a brain.) I'm sorry, that doesn't get me to click my heels while I skip out of the theater. And it doesn't get me into the theater, either. You'd have to bind my ankles and wrists with duct tape and jab me with an awl in the back of the head to get me to roll myself in.
The great TV series All in the Family once dealt with a retarded man in a way that didn't necessarily make you want to puke. The man was a grocery store bagger and delivery man, whom Archie didn't trust because Archie, of course, jumps to conclusions based on a superficial knowledge of who the man is. The man, it turns out, is smarter than Archie thought, and Archie learns that "Every man is my superior in that I may learn from him", the retarded man's favorite quote. (But Archie doesn't even understand this, so Mike explains that what it means is "Everyone's smarter than you".)
Ok, the retarded man is depicted as faultless and happy-go-lucky. But Archie's prejudices, as usual, were believable, as well as comedic. It was Archie's believability that made the show work. The show's writers weren't afraid to let Archie make a few jokes at the retarded man's expense. It only increased the impact when the joke was turned back around on Archie.
These days, the meatheads in Hollywood would have neither the brains nor the balls to understand this. Radio contains nothing but a jolly, bucktoothed waterboy and an absurdly saintly caretaker. You know, the kind of guy most of the planet would trip over each other to praise as virtuous, but would rather shoot themselves in the head rather than go out for a beer with?
Ed Harris is the man who battles folks who like things done the old way "in a town driven by competition", the narrator drones. Hey, narrator, are you telling me you like your football fans driven by compassion? Then do me a favor and keep me the hell away from your Superbowl party. I like watching football with people who cheer, not worry about whether the fucking tackling is too hard.
In case you're still on the fence about this movie, look at the crap spouted by each of the cardboard cut-outs in this piece of dog shit. (In case you forgot, they include this dialogue in the preview because it's supposed to make you want to see the movie.)
"It's just better, if we do things the way we used to," says the conservative old bastard.
"Some folks, they just don't understand you," Coach Harris explains to Radio compassionately.
"Can't you make room for your daughter and football?" the annoying bitch of a wife spouts, because she's too stupid to know that Harris's only flaw, ignoring the people he loves, will be corrected by the retard by the end of the movie.
And now for the doozy.
"The truth is, we're not the ones that been teachin' Radio. Radio's the one that been teachin' us."
Anyone else just a little tired of hearing the same superficial, cliched nonsense masquerading as movie dialogue?
In Seabiscuit, I saw a horse that a bunch of assholes didn't fix ("he fixed us"). In the preview for Radio, which played before Seabiscuit, they had a nearly identical fucking line!
Jesus Christ, Hollywood, find some actual screenwriters and stop recycling the same garbage just because 99% of the audience is willing to cry every time a hammer hits them in the fucking brain.
I don't even have anything against retarded people. But every year, Hollywood somehow convinces me that the movie I most want to see involves a retarded person doing something completely ridiculous. I got it. How about a retarded serial killer? Or, sort of along those lines, how about a comedy/murder mystery that takes place in a hospital for the mentally retarded?
No, wait, I think I have it. A remake of Casablanca with an all-retard cast. When Rick tells Sam to play his and Ilsa's song, Sam could start slamming the piano keys with wide-open hands. That would sure as hell inspire me.
