Yuppie Women and Their Goddamn Sneakers
In New York City, and I assume in other American cities, women are wearing sneakers to work and carrying their work shoes in a tote bag. The reason? Because the sneakers are "more comfortable".
To these women, I've got two words for you. "Dr. Scholl's".
Now, I'm not saying it says anything about your character or anything, so don't take it personally and shit. I'm just saying that you look fucking dopey. I don't like uncomfortable shoes either. You know what I do? I buy comfortable shoes!
Who the fuck told you that you have to go into a store that sells ten thousand different styles of women's shoes, and buy the ones that hurt? Ok, so maybe you'd need to cut down your shoe budget to fewer than five pairs per week, but at least you'll be able to afford a pair that's made to be worn! You know how many styles of men's shoes there are? Three. Wing tips, no wing tips, and those stupid pieces of shit with the doilies hanging on them. But amazingly, somehow, I manage to find shoes that fit me. Fucking unbelievable, isn't it?
The next innovation in the women's clothing industry that I expect to see is clothing made for the Saturday night trip to the dance club. Some chick in baggy pants and too much makeup carrying tight pants in a tote bag.
I'm sure some women think this is a great idea. On the way to the dance club, you can wear the pants that don't make physical contact with your colon. Then, you might actually be able to separate your legs in order to do things like walking. When you get to the club, you can change into your FMUABW pants. You know, your "fuck me up against a bathroom wall" pants. Then you'll have the best of both worlds: comfort and style.
Shit, I could put Oprah fucking Winfrey out of business.
Perceived Racism
As I write this, I'm sitting on the bus. I'm wondering what the bus driver would do if I said to him:
"Now, you might be from sub-Saharan Africa, but the rest of us are from the northeastern United States. How about turning the goddamn heat down?"
If I clarified the above by adding that the bus driver is black, would that make any difference? What if I added that he looks eternally pissed off every time I see him? Do you think he would take the "Africa" comment as a racial slur?
He probably would, but that's fucking bullshit. I have to water down my sarcasm by replacing "Africa" with "Australia"? You gotta be fucking kidding me. I like "sub-Saharan Africa" (degree of originality aside), so I want to stick with it, whether or not anybody thinks I'm a racist. Does it really matter if some asshole thinks that you think he's an asshole for the wrong reason?
Now let me tell you what this bus driver actually did do. And he did this without hearing my imaginary sarcastic remark. One night, I boarded the bus with a soda in my hand. He told me I couldn't bring it on the bus. So, I stepped off the bus and threw it in a garbage can, and as I turned around, he closed the door and drove away. True story.
Now do you think that it's ok if this asshole happens to think that the "sub-Saharan African" comment is a racial slur?
I do think it's a problem, but not because I care if an asshole gets his feelings hurt. I care because if I imply that someone is a fucking moron for having the heat on too high, I want him to be fully aware that I know his moronicness is completely self-inflicted. The last thing I want is for him to take consolation in my ignorance. He should sit there and wallow in the realization that I honestly think he, alone, of his own accord, is a complete fucking imbecile.
I don't discriminate. People of all races can be fucking idiots. And many of them are.
Good Vandalism
I recently saw the world's greatest sticker. It was in Berkeley, California, and the sticker was on top of another sticker which had been placed on private property, like a phone booth or something. The bottom sticker was a picture of Arnold
Schwarzenegger in a Nazi outfit, with the infamous quote that Arnold said a couple decades ago about admiring Hitler. ("I admired Hitler, for instance, because he came from being a little man with almost no formal education up to power. And I admire him for being such a good a good public speaker and for what he did with it.")
I saw several of these stickers in Berkeley, and as usual, I was extremely pissed off because these fucking left-wing vandals ought to be thrown in a fucking jail cell for putting their goddamn stickers up. Well, the sticker that was placed on top of the other sticker was perfect vigilantism:
"Vandalize the Vandalism"
Awesome.
Devil Worshippers
Devil worshippers are funny. They're like the REM fans of religion. You know, slightly outside of the mainstream, but not really. Worshipping the devil might not be mainstream, but he's at least made it onto the charts. Everybody has at least heard of the devil. They might not know all his stuff, but they can at least name a few of the hits. Just like a hardcore REM fan, devil worshippers probably say:
"Oh, sure. You know 'It's the End of the World as We Know It" and 'Orange Crush'. But I bet you didn't know about being one with the Earth."
Let's face it. Devil worshipping is the alternative rock of religions. It might be cooler on the surface, but it's the same goddamn chords.
