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Television Post Saddam
by Jason Roth
Now that Saddam Hussein has been captured, the quality of television has gone back to its usual standards. Not that TV in July is much better, but in December, there are at least two reasons why it's even worse.
- Commercials that replace Christmas song lyrics with advertising.
When I hear the Twelve Days of Christmas with Sears power tools or Toyota interest rates replacing the partridges and golden rings, it makes me want to buy a Craftsman staple gun and nail the entire staff of Saatchi & Saatchi to a fleet of Corollas. And for all I know, Saatchi & Saatchi might not even be a bad ad agency. Unfortunately, in times of war, innocent people are going to get hurt.
Do you believe that some copywriter actually has the balls to sit in his faux leather chair, scrawl down something about decking the halls with car dashboard deodorizers or dreaming of a white cashmere sweater and can still show up in two weeks to collect his paycheck? Are you fucking kidding me? Is there not a single account executive on the planet who has the intelligence to say, "Hey, wait a second. Haven't we already seen that concept about ten thousand fucking times? How about going back to your drawing board, asshole, and coming up with something that doesn't make people want to fucking vomit every time they hear our product mentioned?"
Jesus Christ, I wish I could purchase the copyrights to every Christmas song, just so I could hold a symbolic sheet music burning to let these frustrated butchers know they'll never have the opportunity to use the melodies again.
- Newscasters telling you to be careful when it snows.
These brainless talking heads actually have the gonads to tell you to stay home when it snows out. Thanks for the help Einstein. See, I've been living in the Northeast for several decades now, and I still haven't gotten it through my head that snow can be slippery. TV broadcasters must have a whole team of scientists with beakers and shit figuring this stuff out. Some psychopath ought to run into the studio, jump in front the camera, and yell, "How the fuck did you assholes get here, you hypocritical phony fucks?"
If these teleprompter-reading morons aren't telling you to stay home, they're saying, "If you have to go out, be careful out there." Do they really have nothing to say? Then turn off the mics and just let me see the video of the school bus sliding into the grocery store. The only possible explanation for this maternal nonsense is that the cops are nagging the media to do it. But if that's the case, how about saying so? If the cops want people off the roads because it makes their jobs easier, fine. But do you think I'm really gonna refrain from doing my Christmas shopping because Stu Fucksworthy, the plastic-faced asshole whose primary talent consists of "playful banter", tells me I'm better off staying at home and watching his shiny mug telling me to stay at home? Fuck Stu. And fuck the chick next to him, too. They should take their perfect integration of fake tans and too much makeup and try out a little "reporting" for a change, rather than giving people advice on coping with weather.
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