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Mr. Bush, you are now on my list.

I was actually going to be the one person in the United States who didn't make fun of your intelligence. I was going to pass through your entire term (innocent little me) without making a single joke about your intelligence.

And then, you had to go and think you could explain stem cell research to me.

George W. Bush, the versatile individual able to bomb Iraq, tour Europe, and learn the scientific complexities of stem cell research, somehow isn't able to learn how to read off a goddamn cue card. And he thinks he has the credibility to explain stem cell research to me? Are cue cards somehow innately more difficult to master than the biology of stem cell research?

If his little speech was supposed to be a scientific lecture, then why didn't he have an actual scientist talk about it? Isn't that what public television is for? Then, he wouldn't have had to commandeer the goddamn airwaves and interrupt the stupid sit-com I wanted to watch.

This guy decided to give me a whole intellectual autobiography about how he came to understand the moral and scientific issues behind stem cell research. When exactly did he do that? Was this between pressing red buttons and setting environmental public policy? Does anyone believe this whole intellectual journey crap? When exactly did he find the time to take this journey? Doesn't a president have to spend time on any other, perhaps non-scientific, activities while in office? Did you think I could possibly write so many goddamn questions in a row?

"Make no mistake," [an ethicist] told me, "that cluster of cells is the same way you and I, and all the rest of us, started our lives."

This would have been the perfect time for G.W. to swat that fly that was buzzing around behind him in the studio.

SWAT!

"Oops. Another dead cluster of cells. Lock me up! Lock me up! I'm a murderer! I just aborted a life!"

Wait a second, Mr. Bush. There's gotta be a cluster of cells alive there somewhere. There they are, right back there in the unsmushed section of the fly's ass. Isn't it wonderful? A beautiful cluster of living cells.

Then he could have said:

"This dead fly, like a fetus, or a human-cultivated embryonic stem cell, is as alive as you and me."

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